_______ _ |__ __| | March 12, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""""""""""-. A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. |`-.________.-'| On his face was the saddest hangdog | | expression. The bartender asked, /| _____|_ "What's the matter? Are you having | '. / \ \ troubles with your wife?" | _\ ~^~^\__/____/ | / | / \ \ The man said, "We had a fight, and \.\__/ 0 \__/______/ she told me that she wasn't going to ; o / \ \ speak to me for a month." \ o \__/____/ \ O / \ \ The bartender said, "That should make \o \__/___.' you happy." \ o / \ 0 / The man said, "No, the month is up |'`| today!" jgs ___| |___ /__________\ If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. / \ ## a a _ In the north of England lived a man, ( '._) |_| poorly educated, who made a large |'-- | | | fortune by selling his design for a _.\___/_ ___|_|___ bicycle chain. With this money he set ."\> \Y/|<'. '._.-' about realizing his childhood ambition / \ \_\/ / '-' / to become a country squire. | --'\_/|/ | _/ |___.-' | |`'` He purchased a beautiful estate near the | | | Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help | / './ of some excellent servants, to live in a /__./` | | manner none in his family had ever dreamed \ | | of. Foremost of these servants was his \ | | butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who ; | | assisted his master in every way he could to / | | better himself. The master would often ask jgs |___\_.\_ Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social `-"--'---' situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?" "Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear?" and you said "Christ!" and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , A Spelling Lesson... /) // (/ If GH stands for P as in Hiccough _/ ______ If OUGH stands for O as in Dough ) ( (-----( If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis /INK\ \ \ If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour \___/ \ \ If TTE stands for T as in Gazette jgs _)_____) If EAU stands for O as in Plateau `------` The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU If GH stands for F as in Rough If O stands for I as in Women If TION stands for SH as in Solution The right way to spell FISH should be GHOTION _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's _.._ breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" ___.' '. ( (____/`\ \ The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, \(' |')' ) ) shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" / _\= _/ ( ____ (_.' ) \ ) To which the father, from behind ,` `-'( . `\ ( his newspaper and without even / , `--` ; ) a pause, replied, "You're not .----._| / . ( . ,-| |_( pumping hard enough." '---.. ' /\ __.---'`-' '_| `'---.'.__`/ / / ,' jgs `. / ( \ `'--` '\/ _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.--._ Taking his seat in his chambers, __..--'` ( ) `'--..__ the judge faced the opposing (____..--'`||`'--..____) lawyers. "So," he said, O || O "I have been presented, by both /|\ || /|\ of you, with a bribe." / | \ || / | \ / | \ || / | \ Both lawyers squirmed /___|___\ || /___|___\ uncomfortably. (____|____) || (____|____) \_______/ || \_______/ "You, attorney Leon, gave me || $15,000. And you, attorney __||__ Campos, gave me $10,000." ____/` `\____ /` `-......-' `\ The judge reached into his jgs `._ _.' pocket and pulled out a check. '--..........--' He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. Visiting Grandpa in the Hospital .-/ + \-. /\__...__/\ | _/ `\_ | A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa | ( ^.^ ) | in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. \_\ - /_/ jgs .-'|;---;|-. "Feeling fine," says the old man. / ||___|| `\ |__/ \__| "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm