_______ _ |__ __| | March 15, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _|/ ." ". __ /(o)-(o)\ A man is sitting at the bar in his /_)|| / | local tavern, furiously imbibing shots |_)|| '- | of whiskey. is best friend happens \_)|| '.___.' / |\/|_ to come into the bar and sees him. | / \ \_/ / _| '/ "Ben,"says the shocked friend, "what |--\ '.___.' \ ) / are you doing?" I've known you for \ \_/\__/\__ |==| over fifteen years, and I've never \ \ /\ /\ `\ | | seen you take a drink before. What's \ \\// \| | going on?" `\ /\ | / | jgs ; || |\____/ Without even taking his eyes off | || | his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "*I'm* your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! **HE** is!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ':. []_____ Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House /\ \ ___/ \__/\__\__ ---/\___\ |''''''|__\-- --- 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, ||'''| |''||''|''| use a knife. If you break off the tip, jgs``"""`"`""))""`""` it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year- old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it. __ __ (( (__)---(__) )) 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you //. '|' .\\ dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart ||_ | _|| and it suddenly starts working, you have ||. ' .|| healed it. \\ '/. ' // '-:---:-' 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, jgs /_______\ pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) West Virginia School of Engineering - Final Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane _____ B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle _____|LI|_\\__ C) '64 Pontiac GTO [ _ [^ _ `) D) '74 Gremlin jgs `"""(_)"""""(_)~ 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? (___) 10. How many generations will it take (o o)_____/ before cattle develop two legs shorter @@ ` \ moooo! than the others because of grazing \ ____, / along a mountainside? // // jgs ^^ ^^ _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .------, =\ \ .---. =\ \ Welcome To Flight Number 293 | C~ \ =\ \ | `----------'------'----------, .' LI.-.LI LI LI LI LI LI LI.-.LI`-. \ _/.____|_|______.------,______|_|_____) / / =/ / A plane was taking off from Kennedy =/ / Airport. After it reached a comfortable =/ / cruising altitude, the captain made an jgs /_____,' announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. /-. \ < ^ `D/ Last summer, when the power mower was \_ ( broken and wouldn't run, Jane kept )_/;. hinting to Dick, her husband, that he _ __|_, \\ needed to get it fixed, but somehow ,(_I_______)\ the message wasn't sinking in. //`-----\ \ // \____/\ She finally thought of a // / / clever way to make the // _____ / /\ \ point. When Dick .---n-. //'` `\/ / \ \ arrived home _____|_"_~_|___// /\ \ \ \ that day, / / \ / \ `\__...--' _\__\ \_/\ he found \\\\\\\\\\\'-\__/--===-\__/-'`,,,,,,,,(____\,,,(__/,,,, her seated \\jgs\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ in the tall grass, busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. Well, he was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /\ ( ) While leading a party of girl scouts through .--.\/.--. the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop (/`\_\/_/`\) leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a ' {____} ' young couple was engaged in "69". jgs ,_//\\_, '-\/-' "Back ladies, back !" cried the leader, "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "WOW !" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm