_______ _ |__ __| | March 22, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers lane, she sighed romantically: "Its lovely out here tonight just listen to the crickets." /\ ,, "Those aren't crickets," /\OOOO()= jgs her date replied. ` `` "They're zippers." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. _ _ /\`-"-`/\ Undaunted, Goldie asked. )` _ _ `( "Do you like pussycats?" {= Y =} \ ^ / With that, the man dropped his book and /`;'-u-';`\ pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd | / \ | never been ravaged before. /\ ;__\ / _/ / jgs \___, )~(,,),) As the cloud of sand began to settle, (_( Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, . . . "How did you know my name was Katz?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,;;;, Mother of Six ,;;;, """\\\\ /////)) '' `\\) |/// '' /_ _) A man had six children and was very \(C _) | / proud of his achievement. He was so ((_)) _= =_ / proud of himself that he started `"`/ / \ \ calling his wife "Mother of Six" in (`""-. <\-/``> spite of her objections. jgs /`~~~`\ / Y`~`` \ One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad. Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?" Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man." Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." "Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz. Sally said, "Well, I heard the (\___/) (\___/) best way to get a man is to have /0\ /0\ /o\ /o\ a good pair of hooters." \__V__/ \__V__/ /|:. .:|\ /|;, ,;|\ \\:::::// \\;;;;;// jgs--`"" ""`---`"" ""`---` ^~^^~^~^~^~^^~~^^^~^~~^~^~ _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard." + + + .-"-. .-:-. .-"-. / RIP \ / RIP \ / RIP \ | | | | | | \\ |// \\\ |// \\\ |// jgs ` " "" " ` ' "" " " ' """ " _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his pregnant wife mow the lawn. _ A neighbor lady was so /_`\ outraged at this, she came )"/ ) over and shouted at the man, (`(,( To which he calmly "You should be hung!" ./_.') replied... _.`-;-'\ // /___/ "I am. That's why she /`/ / // cuts the grass!" ___//' |(\`\ --jgs''--_/'_ \''-.-_\| `-| ---''''---....--' (_)""(_) `"" ` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ __ / \Y \ An old cowboy dressed to kill with a __/______\__ cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and `~~// 6 6\~~` chaps went to a bar and ordered a C 7 | drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, \ '='/ a young lady sat down next to him. \__/ /\ |\ After she ordered her drink, she .-`\_\_//\ turned to the cowboy and asked him, /-. `|o |\ __ "Are you a real cowboy?" | | | | \ |\/ / | | |o | \ /`\_/ To which he replied, "Well, I have | | | | Y / spent my whole life on the ranch, | | |o |\ / herding cows, breaking horses, \ \ | | `--' mending fences. I guess I am." \ \__|o_| jgs `\ /I=[]=| After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,_ Wouldn't it be nice to | `""---..._____ tell the Dean of your '-...______ _````"""""""'`| college what you REALLY \ ```` ``"---...__ | think about him/her? |` | ``! | | A Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as | / /#\ much as I like MY Dean, then you'd jgs`--..______..-' ### better keep your mouth shut. I ### knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my ### true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. ##' `# But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. "Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly,... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.--. .-"`_.--.\ .-.___________ A Texan bought a round ."_-"` \\ ( 0;------/\"'` of drinks for all in ,."=___ =)) \ \ / \ the bar and announced `~` .=`~'~) ( _/ / / \ that his wife had =`---====""~`\ _/ / \ just produced a `-------"` / \ typical Texas baby, jgs / \ weighing a whopping ( ) twenty pounds. '._ _.' '----' "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm