_______ _ |__ __| | March 26, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) / jgs () Forgot The Bait || || __ \\ Having arrived at the edge of the / > \\ river, the fisherman soon realized ||` .-"||". he had forgotten to bring any bait. \\/ _//. `\ Just then he happened to see a little ( (-' \ \ snake passing by who had caught a worm. \ ) | | The fisherman snatched up the snake and `" / / robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry / / for the little snake with no lunch, he | ( _ snatched him up again and poured a little \ `.-.-.'o`\ beer down his throat and went about his fishing. '.( ( ( .--' __ `"`"'` (\ .-. .-. /_") An hour or so later the \\_//^\\_//^\\_// fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. jgs `"` `"` `"` Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms. If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) "Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno." .----------. _____|__________|_____ [______________________] I've discovered a wonderful new '====(|__0_><_0__|)====' philosophy that has raised my \ _\ / consciousness as well as my \ ~~~~ / cholesterol. It's called Tex-Mexistentialism. '---^--' jgs It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who wrote, "To Bean, or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso." He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca, who said, "I Pinto, therefore, Cayenne." Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker Aristortilla wrote the book Plata's RePulpo. Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili con Karma - that what Casa round, Carne's around. And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The Ten Comidas: "Thou Salt not Tequila." "Honor Tamale and thy Papaya." "Blessed are the Migas, for they shall Ranchero the Burps." "Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole." "Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name." "In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the Hongas and the Verde. And he saw that it was Food." I'd like to close by reciting The Lard's Prayer: "Our Fajita, who art in Huevos, Pollo'd be Muy Bueno. Thy Corona come, thy Chili be Con, on Cuervo it is El Jefe. Forgive us our Tres Amigos, as we forgive those who Seis Salsas against us. Lettuce not into Tomatillo, but Nuevo us from Fritos. For thine is the Gringo, the Agua and the Chorizo. In the name of the Flauta, and of the Flan, and of the Frijole ghost. A-Menudo." (By Steve Brooks) _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""""""-. A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor .' '. tells him, "I have some very bad news / O O \ for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted : ` : with a fatal and incurable disease." | | So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING : .------. : I can do, doc?" \ ' ' / '. .' "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and jgs '-......-' start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) 8 8 Grandma went to Victoria 8 /```| .@@@@@, 8 Secrets one day, looking 8 | 66|_ @@@@@@@@, 8 (\/) for a new pair of panties. 8 C _) aa`@@@@@@ 8 \/ When the sales lady heard 8(\/) \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ 8 why she wanted the new |8:\/:~:~) /:~:~: =' @@@@~:~:8 panties, she suggested a |8::::::/\\/`\;_:::\ (__:::::8 pair of bright red |8:::::| \ '\___/``\\// `\)::8 crotchless ones. Grandma |8::::|| | '|::/ / ^^ \ \::8 decided to take them. |8::::|| | ' \:| \__/\__/ |::8 |8o:::|\ \ ' |:\_\ /_/:::8o Grandma rushed home with |"8o:::=\ \===::/`\`%%`/'\:::"8o her new found treasure of |\"8o~| \_\ \| `""` |:~:\8o pleasure. She then put on \ \"8o\ ))) \ \:::"8o the panties, laid out on \ \"8o:`. \ \ \:::"8o the bed, and waited for \|~~~~~| -|| -|mmmmmmmmmmmm~~~~| grandpa to get home. `~~~~~| || |~~| |~| |~~~~~` jgs | || | |__| |__| When Grandpa arrived, | || | \ | \ | Grandma called him to the bedroom. |__||__| (~~^\(~~^\ To Grandpa's surprise, he found ( \ \ `-._)`-._) Grandma laid out on the bed with her `-._)-._) legs spread. Grandma then said, "So Grandpa you want some of this?" Grandpa replied, "Lord NO, it done ate a hole through your panties!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ [____] /____\ So these two old Norwegian farmers, Ole | | and Sven, were talking, and Ole told Sven |VIAGRA| __ he'd tried this new drug, called Viagra. |______| (__)_ "It helps you, you know, helps you perform jgs '.____.' (__) in the bedroom." "Oh, really? Do you take it every day?" "No, you take it when you're going to need it a couple hours later. One little pill--it works like a charm." "So, can you get it over the counter?" "Well, I don't know...maybe I could if I took two of them." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 == __\ bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's __.-"\---|__ father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 / \\_@\-'/ \ mortgage on the house, and you want me to jgs \__/ \__/ buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!" Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....' "And I'll be danged if I'm gonna be stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .'`"`'. A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by / , , \ his captain because the spelling on his | <\^/> | police reports is incomprehensible. "How | < (_) >| can you expect anyone to read this! If /====\ you file just one more report with any and (.---._ _.-.) I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are |/ a` a | going on report!" screams the captain. ( _\ | \ __ ; The cop vows not to make any more |\ . / mistakes. The next day he is in his _.'\ '----;'-. patrol car when a report of a _.-' O ;-.__.'\O `o. traffic accident comes over his /o \ \/-.-\/| \ two way radio. He arrives on the jgs| ;, '.|\| / scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly. "One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H." "That's good," thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle. "One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H. "I am doing great!" says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head. "One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L ... B-L-U ... B-O-L-L ... B-I-L ..." Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, "One head in the D-I-T-C-H." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. 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