_______ _ |__ __| | April 5, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _._ .' '. | / //\\\ \ | ( ( -\- ) ) | '-\_=_/-' // .-'\ /'-. (|/ Pay Attention! / '-' \ / / | \__ __/_/\/ /| | |\ / \ / The math teacher saw that little Johnny \ \ \ '-' wasn't paying attention in class. She `\/\ ; called on him and said, "Johnny! |/|\ | What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" | | | | | | Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, |_______| HBO and the Cartoon Network!" | | | \ | / jgs /=|=\ (_/T\_) If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-@-. / \ Realizing that their home just wasn't big | | enough with the new baby in the house, ( o o ) Little Johnny's parents discussed moving .-\ ^ /-. to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat jgs / '-@-' \ patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) c._ ."````"-"C o'-. Something To Think About... / \ _.' | | / \ _/--.<<-' When cosmetic products state "Not Tested on `\) \) jgs Animals" on the label, does it mean that it has not been tested at all, in which case the consumers are the "Guinea Pigs", or does it mean that they tested it on a select group of animal rights activists who chose to substitute for the animals? _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ _ /|| . . ||\ _ ( } \||D ' ' ' C||/ { % | /\__,=_[_] ' . . ' [_]_=,__/\ | |_\_ |----| |----| _/_| | |/ | | | | \| | jgs | /_ | | | | _\ | A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband PS. Sure is hot down here. :-) _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.. ( _,\ ` \\ The Laws of Golf \\ \\ __ \\ As every golfer knows, there are 103 .' `\\ "things" to keep in mind and perform / ' \\ each time you address a golf ball. |_/`\____,\\_ However, very few golfers are aware ( - - \\\) that there are "Laws" of golf that also \ > /( \ affect our games. Thought I would share ;. _=_.' / /\ these with you (not that it will help). / \/ / \) | '-._.' / ;._ \ .' jgs| `'--'`| LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ ._ jgs_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._)`\_.-._ LAW 4: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see law three). LAW 5: Golf balls never bounce off the trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 6: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant 'You looked up' or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 7: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 8: The person you would most hate to lose too will always be the one who beats you. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Civil Servants _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Ten civil servants standing in a line, One of them was downsized - then there were nine. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Nine civil servants who must negotiate, One joined the union - then there were eight. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven, 'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks, But one was reclassified - then there were six. _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Six civil servants trying to survive, One of them was privatized - then there were five. _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Five civil servants ready to give more, But one golden handshake reduced them to four. _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) Four civil servants full of loyalty, Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three. _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) Three civil servants under review, One left on secondment - then there were two. _ _ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \ || |||| || \\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) Two civil servants coping on the run, One went on stress leave - then there was one. _ / \ _\_/_ / \ || || \\---// | _ | || || || || (/ \jgs The last civil servant agreed to relocate, Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ _\_/_ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ || |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| || \\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---//\\---// | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || || (/ \jgs(/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) (/ \) _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _________________________________________________ |'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'| jgs |___1___2___3___4___5___6___7___8___9__10__11__12_| Useful Metric Conversions We as Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions." 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 wharves = 1 paradox _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ) / <---- HAIR ( '. \ A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. | He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in / the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls .' the waitress. .-' / "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in | it." '. '---' The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area. The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm