_______ _ |__ __| | April 12, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-"""""""-. "Tell me something," ( ^-.' ^. ;-"""""""-. asked Jud, "how many .-""""""""-:---------( . '.'. ' ) cookies can you eat ( .'. _ .' ) '---------' on an empty stomach?" '----------' .-""""""""-. ( . '. '.-""""""""-. The old professor thought for a while '--------( . '.'. '.) and answered, "Five, I think!" '----------' "Wrong," said Jud, "because your stomach is no longer empty after you've eaten your first one. So the other four don't count! Gotcha, ha, ha!" The old professor was impressed. 'I must try it on my wife,' he thought to himself. "Honey, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" "Two," Mrs. Professer answered. "Aw shucks, hon. If you had said five, I would have told you a nice one!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a f**king people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! .--. 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter '-. \ |\\_ of little feet, I'll put shoes on my \ \ / a'. cats. \ \__..---../ ,__/ 10. Does your train of thought have a \ | caboose? | / 11. Did the aliens forget to remove your /\ \-"""-'\ \ \ anal probe? /_/_/_ \_\_\_ 12. Errors have been made. Others will be jgs\_\___) \__)_) blamed. 13. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 14. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 15. Allow me to introduce my selves. 16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 17. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 18. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 19. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 20. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 21. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 22. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 23. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 24. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 25. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 26. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 27. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 29. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 30. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 32. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF**k you! 33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. ,-. 34. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting ) \ I'm wrong. .--' | 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? / / 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here |_______| is done. ( O O ) 37. I plead contemporary insanity. {'-(_)-'} 38. And which dwarf are you? .-{ ^ }-. 39. How do I set a laser printer to stun? / '.___.' \ 40. Meandering to a different drummer. / | o | \ 41. I majored in liberal arts. Will that |__| o |__| be for here or to go? (((\_________/))) \___|___/ jgs.--' | | '--. \__._| |_.__/ _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.._ .:' ':. // () \\ When you want a man to play with || () () || you, wear a full-length black \\ () // _.._ nightgown with buttons all over it. ':._ _.:'.:' ':. "" // () \\ Sure it's uncomfortable. But it || () () || makes you look just like his \\ () // remote control. jgs ':._ _.:' "" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .oOOOOOOo. The $64,000 Question... oOOOOOOOOOOo. OOOO' 'OOOO. OOOO' 'OOOO Bob had finally made it to the last round OOOO .OOOO of the $64,000 Question. The night before .OOOO' the big question, he told the emcee that .OOOO' he desired a question on American History. .OOOO' .OOOO' The big night had arrived. Bob made his way OOOO' on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. OOOO He had become the talk of the week. He was the JGSO best guest this show had ever seen. The emcee stepped up to the mic. .OO. OOOO "Bob, you have chosen American History as your 'OO' final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation...... "Bob, here is your question... And in what year did it happen??" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,__ __, The Dieter's Prayer \)`\_..._/`(/ .' _ _ '. / o\ /o \ My appetite is my shepherd, I always want. | .-.-. | _ It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. | /() ()\ | (,`) It leadeth me to my refrigerator / \ '-----' / \ .' repeatedly Sometimes during the night. | '-..___..-' | It leadeth me in the path of Burger King | | for a Whopper. | | It destroyeth my shape. ; ; Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will \ / \ / not stop eating, For the food tasteth \-..-/'-'\-..-/ so good. \/\/ \/\/ jgs The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me. For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously. My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me All the days of my life And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever. ~Amen _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The old professor walks into a pharmacy and asks the clerk for an Anal Deodorant. The clerk explains that they don't stock them. The old professor insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes him on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item. The old professor explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks him to bring in his last purchase, and he will try to match the product. .-"""""-. The following day, the old professor returns to |'-----'| the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the |'-.....-'| pharmacist. The pharmacist asks him why he thinks | | this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously | | of the underarm stick variety. | | | | The old professor explains that the instructions jgs|-.......-| on the back state, "Push up bottom to use." '-.......-' _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _..._ .' '. ___ /_________\ .' '. Once upon a time, far away in |88888888888| / \ the ancient land of Persia, the | |"""""""| | ||#######|| ruler of the country was called | | e e | | | /"""""\ | the Shah and his wife was known | | \ | | ||_a_\_a_|| as the Shahnee. And it came to \ |\ - /| / | | pass, in the fullness of time, | | '._.' | | | | that the Shahnee gave birth to / \ / \ / \ / \ a son, and this son, being the | | | | | '. .' | heir to the Peacock Throne was /__.' '.__\ / / given the title of Shan. It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic. Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in America today; there was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time. And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him. For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court. And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself. Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wrath. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded... "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm