_______ _ |__ __| | April 19, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-"""""""""""""-. "Hey, whatever happened to your //` || '. friend Pedro?" // || :. _....-" '-------''----------' `---...._ "He got this crazy .' : '. idea in his head / | : \ that he's gonna | .----. | : .----. |) make a new kind (_/__// \\_________|____________;// \\__|_) of car." jgs \ / \ / '--' '--' "How was he going to "Well, he took a motor from a Chevy, do that?" tires from a Ford, seats from a Caddy, hubcaps from a Dodge.... you get the idea?" "So how did it turn out? What did he end up with?" "Ten years, but with good behavior, he'll be out in six!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ."``"._.""-. Helping Grandma .' _-._.-_`\ _.-| (\).--(\)< So one day, Gramma sent her grandson --'` ` .="""=-.'. Johnny down to the water hole to get _ '-. some water for cooking | _ '._ .--.-. dinner. As he was dipping \__.-(/'./| , '-/ (O \O) the bucket in, he saw two \,_ '-. V`'-._/( , < big eyes looking back at `;--'..__ V'-.__.-|\-..__/ him. He dropped the bucket jgs ' '---'-..(/.-..__.-V and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .------. Two polish coal miners, Stan & Yashu, were .-' | down in the mine working. The noon whistle ((_| | blew for lunch and Stan pulled out a thermos '-.________| of hot coffee. Yashu looks at it and says, | | "Say, Stan, vat you got dere?" |// // //| |\\ \\ \\| Stan says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." |// // //| |\\ \\ \\| Yashu says, "Ya, I have to get me one." |// // //| |\\ \\ \\| That night Yashu goes home, but forgets what jgs | | it is called. So the next day they are down '-......-' in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Stan pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Yashu looks at it and says, "Say, Stan, vat you got dere?" Stan says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle." Yashu says, "Ya, I have to get me one." That night Yashu goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well, Yashu really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is. The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Stan pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Yashu looks at it and says, "Say, Stan, vat you got dere?" Well, by this time Stan's getting pretty upset. Every day Yashu asks what it is and never remembers, so he decides to just make up stuff since Yashu isn't going to remember anyway. So Stan says, "Dis is a contraceptive." Yashu says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Yashu is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?" Yashu says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive." And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?" Yashu says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) 0_ \`. ___ Andy Rooney-isms from 60 Minutes \ \ / __>0 /\ / |/' / / \/ ` ,`'--. On ads in bills: / /(___________)_ \ |/ //.-. .-.\\ \ \ Have you ever noticed that they put 0 // :@ ___ @: \\ \/ advertisements in with your bills now? ( o ^(___)^ o ) 0 As if bills aren't distasteful enough, \ \_______/ / they have to stuff junk mail in with /\ '._______.'--. them. I get back at them. I put \ /| |<_____> | garbage in with my check when I mail \ \__|<_____>____/|__ it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... \____<_____>_______/ I write, "Could you throw this away |<_____> | for me? Thank you." |<_____> | :<_____>____: On fabric softeners: / <_____> /| / <_____> / | My wife uses fabric softener. I /___________/ | never knew what that stuff was for. | | _|__ Then I noticed women were coming up | | ---||_ to me (sniff) Married (walk off). | |L\/|/ | | [__] That's how they mark their | \|||\|\ | / territory. You can take off that jgs | | / ring, but it's hard to get that |___________|/ April-fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh? of the church of Holy Moly. I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck? Morning differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my god...give me your hand... It won't be long now... Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\____/) / 6__6 \ How ugly is she? ( (oo) ) `-.~~.-' ___)(____ She looks out the window and gets arrested ( \/ ) for indecent exposure. \||, )( ( / ( \\/ /\ / \ \ As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the \./ )==( / / family dog. / \//' ( '|\` Even mosquitoes stay away from her. \ / \ / She startles the animals at the zoo. ) ( / \ On Halloween, she has to trick or treat jgs / \ over the phone. / \ `-........-' She makes onions cry. Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds. Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock. The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail. When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .'\ /`. A dinner speaker was in .'.-.`-'.-.`. such a hurry to get to his ..._: .-. .-. :_... engagement that when he .' '-.(o ) (o ).-' `. arrived and sat down at the : _ _ _`~(_)~`_ _ _ : head table, he suddenly : /: ' .-=_ _=-. ` ;\ : realized that he had : :|-.._ ' ` _..-|: : forgotten his false teeth. : `:| |`:-:-.-:-:'| |:' : Turning to the man next to him, `. `.| | | | | | |.' .' he said, "I forgot my teeth." `. `-:_| | |_:-' .' jgs `-._ ```` _.-' The man said, "No problem." ``-------'' With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm