_______ _ |__ __| | May 3, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ ( ) Suicide Foiled \\ .--\\------. \:--------'/ 1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt \: _ / so bad that I tried to kill myself )|_)\_/( by taking a thousand aspirin." /:| \/ \ \ /:. \ jgs 2nd man: "Oh really, what happened?" '-:.____..-' 1st man: "After the first two, I felt better." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) WESTERN WHOPPERS Boasting of the farms in the Dakotas, a native said: "We have some farms out our way that are pretty good size. I've seen a man on one of our big farms start out in the spring and plow a straight furrow 'till fall. Then he harvested back. And that's not all. It is the usual thing to send young married couples out to milk the cows, and their children come back with the milk." The guide in Yellowstone Park, when asked ."". why he was lacking the first finger on his | | right hand, answered: | | | | I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty- | |--.--._ five years, and I just naturally wore the | | _| | `| finger off pointing out places of interest | /` ) | | to inquisitive tourists. | / /'--:__/ |/ / | But the following description of a Kansas ( ' \ | bumper corn crop just about wins the prize: \ `. / | | "A boy in southern Kansas climbed a cornstalk | | jgs to see how the sky and clouds looked and that stalk grew so fast that the boy couldn't climb down. The boy was clear out of sight. Three men took the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy from a horrible death by starvation, but the stalk grew so rapidly that they couldn't hit twice in the same place. The boy lived on green corn alone and threw down over four bushels of cobs. The boy might have been pushed up so high that he would have frozen to death if he hadn't been rescued by an airplane. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /:`"| .@@@@@, |: 66|_ @@@@@@@@, Definitions By Gender C _) aa`@@@@@@ \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ ) / =' @@@@" THINGY: /`\\ \(``` || |Y| //`\ Female: Any part under a car's hood. || |#| / | || Male: The strap fastener on a woman's || |#\ \ | || bra. || | #| | | || :| |==: | | |\ VULNERABLE: ||_|,/ | |_| \ \)))|| | ((( | Female: Fully opening up one's self |~~~`-`~~~| \~~~~~~| emotionally to another. | | \ / Male: Playing football without |_________| (( | a helmet. |_________| || | | || || | COMMUNICATION: |_||__ ||__| jgs (____)) ((____) Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT: Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT: Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT: Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE: Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. REMOTE CONTROL: Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , .---. _// The rest of the Story //\_/\\ \_\ |/ 0_0 \| / | ,___, | / His name was Fleming, and he was a poor \\___// / Scottish farmer. One day, while trying `"|"` .' to make a living for his family, he .--'/'--' heard a cry for help coming from a / | nearby bog. He dropped his tools and | | ran to the bog. | | .-'\ | There, mired to his waist in black `"""` \ muck, was a terrified boy, screaming ,---.\ and struggling to free himself. Farmer \ \ Fleming saved the lad from what could \ \ have been a slow and terrifying death. \ \ .-\ \ The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up /_.' | to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An /\ elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and jgs \ \ introduced himself as the father of the boy `" Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--..--. / V \ Little Quirks About Life You Notice By __|__________|__ The Time You Are Fifty... '--/// \\\--' (|/ 6 6 \|) ..Most people deserve each other. \\ _,)._ // \\\ == /// ..All the good ones, no matter what \\)\//(/ it is, are taken. jgs ))))))) (((((( ..The one who snores will fall asleep )))) first. (( ..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding. ..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse. ..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind. ..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need. ..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with. ..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Warning: This joke is bound to offend a lot of people. So please don't read this if you're Black, Jewish, Polish, or... well... on second thought, to be safe... better just skip this one altogether. Q: What do you get when you cross two black people? A: Your ass kicked. Q: What's a traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot? A: Jewdo. Q: How can you tell that the kid who stole your bike is half black and half Polish? A: He's running down the street with the bike under his arm. Q: How does INS classify legal Mexican .\^/. immigrants? . |`|/| . A: As Canadians. |\|\|'|/| .--'-\`|/-''--. Q: What's the hardest thing to explain \`-._\|./.-'/ to a Jew about football? >`-._|/.-'< jgs A: That a quarterback isn't a tax refund. '~|/~~|~~\|~' | Q: How does a Frenchman hold his liquor? A: By the ears. Q: Did you hear about the Polish car pool? A: They all meet at work. Q: Why are black people so tall? A: Because their knee grows. Q: How do you lose a Jewish cop? A: Drive through a tollbooth. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm