_______ _ |__ __| | May 7, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) From the "Did you know" file... | | . `. * | .' REACH FOR THE SUN `. ._|_* .' . . * .' `. * -------| |------- "Viagra makes flowers . *`.___.' * . stand up straight" .' |* `. * .' * | . `. . | Judy Siegel-Itzkovich, | jgs British Medical Journal, vol. 319, no. 7205, July 31, 1999, p. 274A. In that medical journal the author reports that: 1 mg of the drug (compared with 50 mg in one pill taken by impotent men) in a solution was enough to prevent two vases of cut flowers from wilting for as much as a week longer than might be expected. (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research _ _(_)_ wWWWw _ @@@@ (_)@(_) vVVVv _ @@@@ (___) _(_)_ @@()@@ wWWWw (_)\ (___) _(_)_ @@()@@ Y (_)@(_) @@@@ (___) `|/ Y (_)@(_) @@@@ \|/ (_)\ / Y \| \|/ /(_) \| |/ | \ | \ |/ | / \ | / \|/ |/ \| \|/ jgs \\|// \\|/// \\\|//\\\|/// \|/// \\\|// \\|// \\\|// ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ______________ /___________ // Real Classified Ads From Real News Papers /-Classified-/// /~~======~~--/// / """""/__/""/// Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. ( "" """"""""(// Neutered, like one of the family. `============` jgs For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--./""---.._ How To Shower Like A Woman /`.-.| //\\ / \ /::|| '--. '. ||::// ' '--. '.\\:// '-. '-. 1. Take off clothing and place it in '--' '. '. sectioned laundry hamper according to '. . '-. lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-----. / `\ How To Shower Like A Man _|_ | / \ | '===' | 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the . ' . | edge of the bed and leave them in a pile . : ' . | on the floor. '. | . ' . | 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you .-"""-. | see your girlfriend/wife along the way, / \___ \ | flash her making the "woo" sound. |/` \| | ( a a ) | 3. Look at your manly physique in the | _\ | | mirror and suck in your gut to see if you )\ = / | have pecs (no). Admire the size of your _.-' '---; | dick in the mirror, scratch your balls /` `-. | and smell your fingers for one last | \ | whiff. | | . & . \ | \ / & | ; | 4. Get in the shower. | | | ; | | /\ / | | 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. \ \) -:- /\ \ | (you don't use one) `. `-. -:- | \ \_| '-. `-. ( './\`\ 6. Wash your face / `'-. `\ | \/_/ | \ | | | 7. Wash your armpits | /'-\ / | \ \ | | | 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds \ )_/\ | | in the shower. \ \| | \ \ | 9. Wash your privates and surrounding '. | | area. / / | / .'; | 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the /` / | | soap bar. / / | | jgs | .' \ | | 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use / \ ) | | conditioner). \ \ / '-.._ | '.ooO\__._Ooo' | 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm