_______ _ |__ __| | May 21, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Shakespaw .--. '-. \ |\\_ Catlette's Soliloquy \ \ / a'. \ \__..---../ ,__/ To go outside, Or to remain within: \ | That is the question; | / Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer /\ \-"""-'\ \ \ The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather / / /_ \ \ \_ That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, jgs\_\___) \__)_) Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And by so dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time and stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal's opened up, to stand As if transformed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball; For if paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made as simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the household's petty plagues The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom, The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans' faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale >>brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause on the threshold of decision. -Shakespaw If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ The Wig /__`. / \ `\\ / \ `\ Once there was a princess whose hair was / \ \ really ugly. She had a royal hairdresser /_______\ /\ named Link Sprink who made a wig for her (((( )))) every two months. They were beautiful (((' . '))) wigs and she would only venture out in (((\_-_/))) public when wearing one. (((_) (_))) /((( \ / )))\ One day Sprink left the palace and / ((( ^ ))) \ did not return. Dismayed at the / / (( ^ )) \ \ lack of new wigs, the princess ( ( \ ^ / ) ) fled to a nearby cave and hid. \ \ )www( / / `\\ / \ //' There, she tried to make her own /' `\ wigs from the material at hand but / \ there were only bat droppings. / \ She processed this stuff into / \ disc-like wafers and managed to / \ fashion some wigs but, alas, / \ none compared with Sprink's / \ creations, so she remained / \ in the cave. / \ / \ jgs One day when her grandmother, | | who knew a lot about magic `-----......_____......-----' and fortune telling, visited the princess the girl asked her if Link Sprink would ever return. The grandmother opened her Book of Signs to the "Missing Hairdressers" section and told her that once a year she should build a miniature French chateau and place it at the entrance to the cave. A majestic bird, the Crowned Hawk, would fly by. If it swooped down and grabbed the little building, the princess would be out of luck for that year. On the other hand, if the Crowned Hawk passed by the chateau the hairdresser would show up the next day. The princess was so excited that she asked her grandmother to repeat the omen one more time. So the grandmother obligingly wrote down the details for her: If the crowned hawk seixes the chateau, there will be six more wigs of bat. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) BLACK PANTIES , /\^/`\ Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and | \/ | still has not gotten out of her depression, | | | mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her \ \ / daughter is constantly calling her and urging her '\\//' to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says || she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her || daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have || someone for you to meet." || , |\ || |\ Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one | | || | | another and after dating for six weeks he asks | | || / / her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. \ \||/ / And we know what that meant. Their first night jgs `\\//` there she undresses as he does. There she stood ^^^^^^^^ nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this..a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________________________ / _________________________ \ |/----, \| British Journalistic Blunders ||NEWS| || ||----' .-""-. || || / \ \ || "Julian Dicks (West Ham United) || | /`-._| || is everywhere. It's like they've || |/ . . | || got eleven Dicks on the field." || ( _\ ) || (Metro Radio Sports Commentary) || |\ = | || || /\ \_._/ || Listener: "My most embarrassing || /\_\___//\ || moment was when my artificial leg || /` \ \| `\ || fell off at the altar on my |\____/_____|__;_____|__BBC/| wedding day." Simon Fanshawe: \___________________________/ "How awful! Do you still have an |:::::::::::::::::::| artificial leg?" (Talk Radio) |:::::::::::::::::::| |::():():::::():()::| Interviewer: "So did you see which |:::::::::::::::::::| train crashed into which train __|jgs::::::::::::::::|__ first?" 15-year-old: "No, they / \ both ran into each other at the '===========================' same time." (BBC Radio 4) Presenter (to paleontologist):"So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say,an elephant?" Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half- mammoth. Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?" Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR) Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to _.-~"~-. get pregnant?" ;`a) ) `\ Girl: "No. It was a cock-up." \-./_ / |~=-=--. `-._)_ | / ". Grand National winning jockey _ //` `| `"~` \ Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an \'-'/ .--' / / |\ anti-climax after that!" `~` / ____/\ | / `" Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave __/__/ | |`-...-\ | the horse a wonderful ride, / \ | | |`\ | everyone saw that." (BBC) jgs |_____| /__| /__/__| Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News) "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1) "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC) "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm