_______ _ |__ __| | May 24, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) -=====- _..._ .~ `~. ,_ / } ,_\'--, \ _.'`~~/ \'--,_`{_,} -( '.`-.`\;--,___.'_ '._`/ |_ _{@} / ` |-';/ _ / \ / | _ {@}_ / '--;_ _ {@} _Y{@} _\ `\ {@}\Y/_{@} Y/ / |`-.___. / \Y/\|{@}Y/\|// ^^^jgs^^^`--`------'`--`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A Prayer for the Stressed Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the evidence that I have been using company property for personal purposes, including circulating my resume, searching for more rewarding and satisfying work. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Fridays. Help me to remember.....when I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are working on my last Good Nerve, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me. If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Clown College Reunion was planned aboard a luxurious yacht in the South Pacific. Everyone was having a wonderful time squirting each other with fake daisies and wearing red noses instead of zinc when their ship struck a coral reef and sunk. Pandemonium followed as multitudes of clowns made it for the life boats as they said farewell to their yacht. As luck would have it, they sighted an island in the distance. Paddling like crazy and throwing rubber chickens to the sharks that pursued them, the ship full of clowns finally made it ashore safely, only to notice a "greeting committee" of island natives. Cannibalistic island natives. From the frying pan into the fire, literally, the shipload of clowns were shortly dispatched. The cannibals, however, were rather disappointed. They were heard to comment: ... "They tasted funny." .-. \\\V/// \\\W/// .-. (0.0) //6 6\\ ( //9 9\\ (0.0) {=} // =c= \\ ) ) // = \\ {=} T___.-`~@~`-. __(_______ .-`~&~`-.___T (3----|' '|\\ (__________) //|' '|----8) | \__.__/// ) ( \\\__.__/ | | /=[_]=\/ / \ \/=[_]=\ | | / / \ \ ___| |___ / / \ \ | | \ \ / / ()__\___ __ __/__() \ \ / / | jgs | (___\ /___) .`/```||```\`. (___\ /___) | ()/ () \() _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. In the news: ___ /_____\ /\.-`( '.' ) / / \_-_/_ ROME (Reuters) -- An Italian soldier who lost \ `-.-"`'V'//-. his wallet in France during World War II has `.__, |// , \ been told it has just been found, ANSA news |Ll //Ll|\ \ agency reported Tuesday. |__// | \_\ /---|[]==| / / Giuseppe Fuggi, a 78-year-old Roman, dropped the \__/ | \/\/ wallet during service in the southern resort of /_ | Ll_\| Saint Tropez in the winter of 1942-43. |`^"""^`| | | | What Reuters does not say is that the wallet was | | | in a pocket of the pants of Mr. Fuggi who was | | | visiting Madame LaFlouze Boucher. However, Mr. | | | Boucher came home earlier than expected and Mr. L___l___J Fuggi had to make a dash for it, leaving his jgs |_ | _| pants behind. The pants were kept hidden by (___|___) Mrs. Boucher, until the recent death of her ^^^ ^^^ husband when she brought the wallet to the French Police and kept the pants as a memento of a torrid - albeit interrupted - event. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Professor Crushbottom __ .' `'. A window salesman phoned professor Crushbottom. / _ | "Hello, Mr Professor," said the sales rep. #_/.\==/.\ "I'm calling because our company replaced all (, \_/ \\_/ the windows in your house with our triple-glazed | -' | weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you ,\ = / /| still haven't sent us a single payment." .-'|`-. __.' / | Professor Crushbottom replied, "But didn't you / | `-.__.' .-\ say they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!?" /-. | | { _/ \_ } | | `| ':. | | | | []_____ Two professors '. | | .' /\ \ were well into jgs '-.| |.' ___/ \__/\__\__ their cups at their `" ---/\___\ |''''''|__\-- --- favorite watering hole, ||'''| |''||''|''| when one spotted movement along the top jgs``"""`"`""))""`""` of the bar. "Whazz that ?" asked professor Crushbottom. "A bug?" _V_ /___\ "Izz a Ladybug," his younger colleague replied. | | | \o | o/ "Sheesh," professor Crushbottom gushed, "you got good jgs '-.-' eyesight !" Though she tried to please her husband, Mrs professor Crushbottom seemed to fail regularly. Most often it was at breakfast. If she scrambled the eggs, he wanted poached. If she poached them, he wanted them scrambled. There was just no pleasing him..... One morning she decided to poach one and scramble the other, and waited for his approval. Glancing at his plate, the professor Crushbottom snorted,"You've scrambled the wrong egg!" When the old professor Crushbottom was a young man, he decided it was time for him to get married... only trouble was, he was dating two ladies. One was absolutely beautiful with an absolutely great body. But although she was a rather bright girl, she didn't really have many physical processions, and lived in the rather shady part of town. The other was ugly as sin, didn't really have a nice body, not smart at all, but oh, OH! She was very, very rich! The young professor Crushbottom asked his best friend for advice. ,.,.,.,, His friend advised him to marry the rich ugly girl, ;^. ;^. and said when they got ready to have sex he could | |^^^^^^| just put a sack over his new wife's head. | | | | | | After they married, the couple had a wonderful | | | honeymoon in Europe... of course, she paid for jgs '.| | everything. Upon their return, they bought a `------` beautiful mansion. professor Crushbottom noticed a loose board, and while his new bride watched, he attempted to nail it down. He missed the nail and hit his finger, and yelled, "F#ck!" Mrs. professor Crushbottom left the room muttering, "Go get the sack... Go get the sack..." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm