_______ _ |__ __| | June 2, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Friday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ The Texan | | | '._ _ | ``` '| You know how everything in Texas is ____| \ bigger than anywhere else? Well, there `-. | was this Texan living in Bristol a \ _ / while back. Huge fellow he was, had to ` `\ /` duck under all but the highest of \ .'` doorways, and often had to go through jgs \ \ sideways. And he was always going on '-; about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging. Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked. "Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears (, )O() his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ( )O.( ')o. "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. |XXXXXXXX|O I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in __|//\\//\\|o here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness /.-|\\//\\//| back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no || |//\\//\\| one takes up the Texan's offer. \'-|\\//\\//| `"|//\\//\\| One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later jgs |XXXXXXXX| the same gentleman who left shows back up `""`""`""` and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) |""-..._____ '-.____ _````"""""'`| School Daze \ ``` ``"---... _ | | / /#\ }--..______..-{ ### A professor stood before his class of }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ 20 senior organic biology students, }}}} 6 6 {{{{ about to hand out the final exam. {{{{{ ^ }}}}} "I want to say that it's been a {{{{{{\ -=- /}}}}}} pleasure teaching you this semester. {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}}} I know you've all worked extremely {{{{{{{) (}}}}}}}' hard and many of you are off to `""'"': :'"'"'` medical school after summer. So that jgs `@` no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Doris and Fred had started their retirement ___.-"""-. years and decided to raise some extra cash ( (___,/\ \ by advertising for a lodger in their terrace \( |')' ) ) house. After a few days, a young attractive \) \=_/ ( woman applied for the room and explained ___ / _,' \ ) that she was a model working in a nearby .' \|-(.(_|_ ; ( city center studio for a few / //. (_\, | ) weeks and that she would like /`'---.._/ /.\_ ____..'| |_/ the room from Mondays to | /`'-._ / | '_| Thursdays, but would pay jgs ` `;-"`; | /,' for the whole week. Doris `'.__/ ( \ showed her the house and they '\/ agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that's being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm