_______ _ |__ __| | June 4, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ A guy takes his seat on the plane, and the -=\`\ guy next to him is puttin' out all these |\ ____\_\__ sighs and moans. -=\c`""""""" "`) jgs `~~~~~/ /~~` "First flight?" he asks. -==/ / '-' "No, my problem is that we're headin' to Miami." "So what's the problem? We're all going to Miami!" "Oh, I just HATE to go to Miami. There's so much strife, tension, crime, looting, social unrest down there. I just HATE it! "Huh? Whaddya talkin' about? I LIVE in Miami; I work there. I LOVE my job, and I've never seen anything like what you're talking about. "Is that right? Whaddya do down there?" "I'm a tailgunner on a Merita bread truck." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _, .-'_| , _| (_| _|\ Actual Titles of Country Songs (_| (_| 1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away? 3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? 6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling 7. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 8. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You _, 11. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You .-'_| , So Well _| (_| _|\ 12. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like (_| (_| Having You Here _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .="=. From The Beyond /\_ /|6 6|\ _/\ \_//O\_=_/O\\_/ \\\/`"_"`\/// "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings \ (_) / the voices of the dead from the other world. ./---/_\---\. We all talk to them! Last week I talked /`"---------"`\ with my mother, may she rest in peace. / / | \ \ Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk / / | \ \ to your Zayde who you miss so much!" jgs `._._.-'-._.-'-.' Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his Zayde, and each question did his Zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) |H| Recently Priscilla said to me, Doug, it |H| is about time you learned to play golf, Learning Golf ||| you know, that's the game where you chase ||| a ball all over the country when you are |V| too old to chase women. | | .----=--.-':'-; < So I asked her if she would teach me /===== /'.'.'.'\ | how to play. |====== |.'.'.'.'.|| ___________ She said, \===== \'.'.'.'/ / .o8888888888888o. "sure, you've jgs '--=-=-='-:.:-'-` 88888888888888888 got balls, 'Y8888888888888P` haven't you?" I said "yes, but sometimes on `"""""""""""` cold mornings they're kind of hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow", he said, and we will tee off. "What's tee off", I asked? She said "it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me," I said, "you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn, somewhere." "No, no," she said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," she said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do," she said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well, I thought that was stretching things a little too far. She said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?" "Sure," I said. She said, "your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course,: I told her. "Well," she said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." She asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told her "no, I'm the old fashioned type." Then she asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after seventy+ years I should have some sort of an idea. She said, "you take your club in both hands..." Well, I knew right then she didn't know what she was talking about. "...Then he said you swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me, that's my brother Harry you're thinking about." She asked me, "how do you hold your club?" and before I thought, I said, "in two fingers." She said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. She couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. She said, "you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar." I said "I could well imagine." Then she said, "And when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is" she said. "Sure you're not color blind?" I asked. "No, then you take your putter..." "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made" she said. "That's what I've got, a putter." "And with it," she said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected, "you mean the putter?" She said "the ball, the hole isn't bit enough for the ball and the putter." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then she said, "after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen." She wasn't talking to me. "After two holes I'm shot to hell." "You mean," she said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?" "Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole? She said "the flag would go up..." That would be just my luck. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm