_______ _ |__ __| | June 14, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ >_< Asian Economy Worsens! | |--------------------. | | | Recent reports indicate the Japanese | | .-""-. | banking crisis shows no signs of | | / \ | improving. If anything, it's getting | | | | | worse. | | \ / | | | '-..-' | Following last week's news that | | | Origami Bank had folded, it was jgs| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' today learned that Sumo Bank has | | gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---;-, __/_,{)|__;._ My Wooden Auto ."` _ : _ `. .:::;. .::' jgs '--(_)------(_)--' ` '::' First, I was going to tell you about the wooden car that I built, with a wooden engine, but it wooden go. Then, I built it out of steel, but it steel wooden go. Finally, I built it out of tin; now it tin go! I even put Italian tires on it. Dago through rain, dago through mud, dago through snow. But, when dago flat, dago Wop, Wop, Wop! _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Age Barometer -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- How many of these do you remember? 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes ____ [____] ____ 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles )__( [____] with cardboard stoppers / \ )__( | .--. | / \ 7. Party lines | '--' || .--. | | || '--' | 8. Newsreels before the movie | || | | || | 9. P.F. Flyers jgs '.____.'| | '.____.' 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records _...::::::..._ .::::::::::::::::::. 15. S&H Green Stamps .::::::::``__``::::::::. |:::::( (__) ):::::| 16. Hi-fi's \:::::::..____..:::::::/ '::::::::::::::::::::' 17. Metal ice trays with jgs `--::::::::::::--` levers ```````` 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys .. //\\ 22. Cork popguns \\//________ > ________() 23. Drive-ins //\\ jgs \\// 24. Studebakers `` 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT [~] |=| 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you .-' '-. tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so |-----| as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. | ~~~ | | ~~~ | 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, | XXX | always hold it with your fingers |-----| covering the label. jgs '-----' ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME .-"-. 1. A centerpiece for the table should never /) (\ be anything prepared by a taxidermist. / |6 6| \ \/\ Y`/\/ 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, / ^ \ no matter how good his manners are. _; ; /_| | | | PERSONAL HYGIENE jgs (_|-|_) ___________ @ @ / (@\ @ 1. While ears need to be cleaned \___________/ _@ regularly, this is a job that @ _/@ \_____ should be done in private using @/ \__/-="="` one's OWN truck keys. \_ / <| 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall <| bathing for several days. However, if jgs <| you live alone, deodorant is a waste of ` good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. .=@=. THEATER ETIQUETTE / \ | ^.^ | 1. Crying babies should be ( (_) ) whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! taken to the lobby and .-'---'-. picked up immediately / . . \ after the movie has ended. _/ /| , |\ \_ (__/{`"==="`}\__) 2. Refrain from talking to /\_ _/\ characters on the screen. _| /`"`\ |_ Tests have proven they jgs ( \ / \ / ) can't hear you. \_/ \_/ WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice ,-==-, for a wedding gift. \/\/\/ \\// 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 .-''-. seconds may get you shot. .'.-""-.'.---. / / .'\ \--.'. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. | | / /| | \ \ A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a \ \ | | / / | | clean bowling shirt can create a tacky '.'-:\ \.' / / appearance. '---; '-..-'.' jgs `'----' 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special DRIVING ETIQUETTE occasion. 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm