_______ _ |__ __| | June 16, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Friday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. / :""| .;;;;;, A young buck went into a large store |:`..| (((((((\\ for a packet of condoms. "Have you C` _\ ..`\\)\\) tried the rainbow ones?" asked the \ _| /_ ))))) assistant, "We've got Red ones, Blue ) / \_= ((((( ones, Green ones, Orange ones, Yellow /`\\ \(`)))) ones, plus a few other different || |Y| //`\((( colors." || |.| / | ||))) || |.| \ | ||(( "I'll try the lot" said the young || |.| / | || man adventurously. :| |=: / |_|\ ||_|,| | |_| \ Six months later, he appeared in \)))/ \ ((( | the same store with a rather sorry | | `\ | looking young girl asking for | || |____| maternity dresses. The same | || | || assistant served them asking, | || | || "What bust, madam?" | || | || |_||__ /~)) "The blue one!" the young man said jgs (____)) /_/YY sadly. If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .'```"". Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the / / \ street. \__/` \ \ |_ _ '. | "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been 6 6 `)/ for the past two weeks? No one seen you | /_ | around." \ _, / | \__.' |_ "Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. _| / `'. "I been inna da jail." jgs-` \ __-' "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me i-na jail" "But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ Answer to Technical malfunction / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / To End User: ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) This is a very common problem men `/ `-./ `. complain about but is mostly due to a | \ \ \ primary misconception. Many people jgs | \ \ \ \ upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 |\ `. / / \ with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony and Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck Tech Support _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________ So you think you're computer-illiterate? |.---------.| || || Check out the following excerpts from a || || Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton: || || |'---------'| 1. Compaq is considering changing the `)__ ____(' command "Press Any Key" to "Press [=== -- o ]--. Return Key" because of the flood of __'---------'__ \ calls asking where the "Any" key is. jgs [::::::::::: :::] ) `""'"""""'""""`/T\ 2. AST technical support had a caller \_/ complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geek." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! ___________ |.---------.| @)___||_ ||_______ {8*8888*888{______}error ||_______> @) ||_________|| `----)-(----` ____[=== o]___ |::::::::::::::|\ jgs `-============-`() _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm