_______ _ |__ __| | June 21, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ THE SETTING: _||__||__||__||__||__||__||__||_ -||--||--||--||--||--||--||--||- A Scottish old timer in || || || || || || || || Scotland, in a bar, talking _||__||__||__||__||__||__||__||_ to a young man. jgs -||--||--||--||--||--||--||--||- ^^^"""^^"^^^"^^"""^^^^^"""^""^^^^^""^^ "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? No..." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? No..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? No..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya get caught with one goat..." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ .-"`` _``"-. Two Pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of /'. '.(##)'\ Washington for New York. One sat in the | `'----'` | window seat, the other in the middle | ----| seat. Just before takeoff, a fat little | . .-| Indian guy got on and took the aisle seat | .::::. |_| | next to the two Pakistanis. He kicked |::::''':.-. | off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was |;,,;;;;;|_|_| settling in when the Pakistani in the | ';;;;' . . | window seat said,"I think I'll go up and | |_|_| get a Pepsi." | .-. | \ |_|_/ "No problem," said the Indian,"I'll get jgs `.________.' it for you." While he was away,the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it. When the Indian returned with the Pepsi, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. And while he was gone, the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it. The Indian returned with the Pepsi and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened, "How long must this go on," the Indian asked, "This enmity between our people... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and pissing in the Pepsis." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /))))))))) //) __ __\ HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN C==/_o|^|o_\ AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: | _\ ) \ '---'/ _/`-. __.'_ 1. He does not have a beer gut; he has /` \`'-,._./|\ developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE / \ /`\_/\/ \ FACILITY. / , ||| |\ , \ | |:===: / | | | 2. He is not quiet; he is a | /|:~~~: | / | | CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. \ \ '-' \/ / / `\ \==I==[]=/ / 3. He is not stupid; he suffers from \o_\ |o/ MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT. / ) |\ | /\| J |/ 4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS |/| | | ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. | | | | | | 5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE | | | REGRESSION. \ > > | | | 6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers |_____|__| GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. [_____]__] |==|==| 7. He does not get falling-down drunk; /~~&\~~&\ he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. jgs ( , `~~)`~~) """`~~~`~~~` 8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL 9. He is not short; INVERSION. he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT. 10. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION. 11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED. 12. He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA. 13. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE. 14. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY. 15. He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS. 16. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,%%%%%%%%,_ ,%%%%%%%%%%%}}%%, Politically correct terms for females %/_ _%%%%%%~%%% /_o|^|o_\=?%% %%% ( /_ @% %%%% She does not: GET PMS \'====' /%' '%%%% She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL /'-----'\ "% .-\ /|\ /``'. ` She does not have: A KILLER BODY / ^o| `" \ She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE / / o| .|||. \ | \ o| |===|\ \ She is not: A BAD COOK < <\ o| |~~~||\ > She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE `\ \\o| '---'// / \o_\\|_____//_o/` She is not: A BAD DRIVER / ///\/\/\\\ \ She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED ( /|/\\/\/\\|\_) ///\\//\//\/\\ She is not: A PERFECT 10 |/\/\////\\/\\\| She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR //\\/\///\\/\/\\ //\/\///\/\\/\\| She is not: EASY |//\//\////\/\// She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE \//\/\\/\//\/\/ | || | She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV ( |( | She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED | | | | | | | | She does not have: SEXY LIPS |=| |=| She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT _8/~_8/~ \ jgs (___(___,_/ She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request: A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER She does not have a: GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breasts will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm