_______ _ |__ __| | June 25, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.---,_ .' `'. \ __..-'\ Rejected Dr. Seuss Books }-"` \ /__,,..---.._| \ | 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, |---..__ | You Bitch / ``"-./ 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes .'---...__ | Sherbert .' ``"-./ 3. Fox In Detox ,--./...,,,__ / 4. Who Shat in the Hat? '--.'__ __```.-. /._ 5. Horton Hires a Ho / ` ` ' `=/.-.|-._) 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax | .-. .-. "\\ / 7. How the Grinch Stole || O| | O| ""=='_\ Columbus Day .-' '-'o '-' ""=\` 8. Your Colon Can Moo - `''--/- ""=-,\--._ Can You? .---|- ( ""=-. \` 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil \ /`)"=."=|'-. 10. The Cat in the Blender '. _.-' ' "=|\| 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the (`----` '="=|/ Fuck Out! `-. "=/` 12. Are You My Proctologist? '. =/ 13. Yentl the Lentil \ =| 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs .-. |` "=| a Socket ( ~._ | "==| _.-~`\ 15. Aunts in My Pants \ ~. |'"="| _.-~ ) 16. Oh, the Places You'll ; ~-.|.-._|_.-~ / Scratch and Sniff! / _-( /-.__ ( 17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm '._..--~~`/`/-'\-._ `~~- ; 18. The Grinch's Ten Inches jgs /"=| |" =\~-...___.-~ /=" / | "==\ / = (_ \ "==\ ;="= `\_) =="\ If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ What is a Cat? /\`-"-`/\ )` _ _ `( {= Y =} 1) Cats do what they want. \ ^ / 2) They rarely listen to you. /`;'-u-';`\ 3) They're totally unpredictable. | / \ | 4) They whine when they are not happy. /\ ;__\ / _/ / 5) When you want to play, they want to jgs \___, )~(,,),) be alone. (_( 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats. _,,_ What is a Dog? /` `\ / / 6 6\ \ \/\ Y /\/ 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the / `'^` \ most comfortable piece of furniture in , ( \ | \ the house. |\|\_/ \_/ 2) They can hear a package of food opening \/'. \ /'\ half a block away, but they don't hear \ /=\ / you when you're in the same room. jgs /____)/____) 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They growl when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) | / / / / / \ | / / / / / MEN ARE LIKE... \ _ _ \ \ / \/ \ .-\ \o/\o/_ Men are like...Floor tile. Lay them ( ( \ right the first time and you can walk '- ,____/ on them for a lifetime. | | | '--;-' Men are like... Placemats. They only | __/ show up when there's food on the table. jgs | / / `--.`\ Men are like...Mascara. They usually <__ '-'. run at the first sign of emotion. `"""""``` Men are like...Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like...Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. , Men are like...Lava lamps. Fun to look at, /_\ but not all that bright. / . \ < ': > Men are like...Bank accounts. Without a lot of \.:./ money, they don't generate much interest. \-/ / \ Men are like...High heels. They're easy to walk /___\ on once you get the hang of it. Men are like...Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like...Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) | Telemarketers: |__ When a Simple No Doesn't Work ,/ \-----. Tested Tips for the Targeted Consumer || |:::::| || |:::::| || | | 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them || | ooo | you just filed for bankruptcy and you SURE || | | COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long || | ' O | can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it jgs |\___/ === | back?" (10 seconds) '.___.-----' 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery... Continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes) _ //\ 3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the Sis | \/ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to ||~ _ _ spell the company ||_ [ L___I ] name, then ask | /\ | ... | where it is ,@\\/ ,@@@, ,| ::: | located, how do @, ,@@" "@@@, ,@@@@"| ''' | you spell that... jgs "@@@@@" "@@@@@" '=========' (5 minutes) 4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!" (Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute) 5. Say, "NO", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise) /\ 6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their || Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice || as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you || be my friend?" (15 seconds) || || 7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood _______|| out, you can? Well, how about goat blood /` `\ or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" | .-"""-. | (8 seconds) | / .:::. \ | | \ ':::' / | 8. Let the person go through their spiel, | '-----' | providing minimal feedback in the form of an | .-"""""-. | occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's | |_______| | fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to | [_][_][_] | buy, ask them to marry you. When they get | [_] [] [] | back to the sales pitch, just tell them you | [1][2][3] | couldn't give your credit card number to | [4][5][6] | someone who's a complete stranger. | [7][8][9] | (6 minutes) | [*][0][#] | | ... | 9. Tell them you work for the same company jgs\ ':::' / they work for. Example: `"""""""""` Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?" (2 minutes) 10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" (1 minute) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm