_______ _ |__ __| | July 5, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. Fred was near death. As his condition /` ___|`\ deteriorated he motioned frantically |_/ \| for something to write on, and the ( -/- ) pastor handed him a pen. Fred used \_ - _/ his last bit of energy to scribble .-'|_|'-. a note, then died. / \ / O \ In the commotion the pastor put the / _____!_____ \ unread note in his pocket. /.-------------.\ \| ,;, |/ As the pastor was giving the eulogy | ;;; | at Fred's funeral, he realized he | ;;;;;;;;; | was wearing the same jacket as when | `';;;'` | Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' | ;;; | Fred handed me a note just before | ;;; | he died. I haven't looked at it, | ::: | but I'm sure there's a word of | ';' | inspiration for us all." | | _| _ __ __ _|_ He opened the note, and read aloud, _/ _ __ ___ __ _\_ jgs "You're standing on my oxygen tube!" _/ __ ___ _ ___ __ _ \_ If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ; ,;;, _ ; | (( .( / | This blonde was driving down an )/ ;\( )) _/ |_/ old country road when she spots | | | ((/ \---'/` a blonde in a wheat field rowing | )/| ____| \),_/___________ a boat. She pulls over to the \| | |OH52`---.\ / side of the road and stops the |/ \ \ .' car. Staring in disbelief, she jgs\| '--------|`\-----' stands at the side of the road \_/ to watch for a while. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" she asks. The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it's an ocean of wheat!" The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells to the blonde in the field, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again. The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field, yelling, "If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , |\ ____ Bill Gates In Hell \ \.-./ .-' T \ _ _( /| | |\ ) | .)(./ | | | Bill Gates dies in a car accident. | \( \_|_/ He finds himself in hell. Satan ( | \ | greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, ) | \VvV | ( we've been waiting for you. This | |\,,\ | will be your home for all eternity. ) | | ^^^ | ) You've been selfish, greedy and a ( | |__ | ( big liar all your life. Now, since ) / `-. _| ) you've got me in a good mood, I'll ( / / `\ be generous and give you a choice / ///_ | of three places in which you'll be /jgs (((-|' locked up forever. ```| Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 98 Second Edition" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Woman's dictionary , /\ , / '-' '-' \ Airhead (er*hed) n | POLICE | \ .--. / What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled | ( 19 ) | over by a policeman. \ '--' / '--. .--' Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n jgs \/ A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire." _....._ Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n .' ^ '. / \ You bought the groceries, washed the |`'--...--'`| lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the \ ooo / onions, marinated the meat and cleaned '._____.' everything up but he, 'made the dinner.' / | \ /.-|-.\ Blonde jokes (blond joks) n /'._|_.'\ jgs / | \ Jokes that are short so men can understand | them. /`-. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n /`-. / / / / / / Gotta get married in a church. / / / _/ / _/ / / | Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n / / | .' \_/ .' \_/.' .-' An appliance designed to eat socks. jgs .' .-' /_ .' /_ .' \_\/ Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n \_\/ A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. .-"""-. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n / _ _ \ _..._ | (') (') | The last two minutes .'_ _'. _.-._| ._____, |_.-._ of a football game. / (.) (.) \ (== |-| `-` |-| ==) _.-._| ,_____. |_.-._ `"` \ M / `"` Exercise (ex*er*siz) v (== |-\ '-' /-| ==) '._____.' `"` '.__M__.' `"` // \\ To walk up and down a __// \\__ _\\ //_ mall, occasionally jgs (___) (___) (___) (___) rest to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.....Also....see 'Magician'. Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus....breath...push..." _ | \ Lipstick (lip*stik) n | | | | On your lips, coloring to enhance the | | beauty of your mouth. On his collar, |~~~~| coloring only a tramp would wear...! |SSSS| | | _______ Park (park) v/n | | / / \ jgs |SSSS| \_____\_/ Before children, a verb meaning, 'to go '----' somewhere and neck'. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. Also see...'Tranquilizers'. .-. .-. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n .-.| .-./ | | \/ | / A day when you have dreams of a candlelight \ / /` dinner, diamonds and romance but consider `\ /`/` yourself lucky to get a card. jgs `\/` Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself......anyways. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm