_______ _ |__ __| | July 7, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Friday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _,-.--. FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT ( / ( '-. jgs .-=-. ) -. / ( .' . \ Four members of the clergy had a \ ( ' ,_) ) \_/ theological argument, with three male (_ , /\ ,_/ ministers siding against the female minister. '--\ `\--` _\ _\ The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. `\ \ Please send us a divine sign to prove it." _\_\ A big storm cloud materialized, and there was `\\ a clap of thunder. \\ -.'.`\.'.- "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "So, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _..-----.._ The traveler knocked on the door of the .' _.-' '. house where a cabdriver had told him he '._ '` _.' could be sexually accommodated. An eye- ``)'-./`` level panel slid open and a female voice \ \ asked what he wanted. /'-./ \ \ "I want to get screwed," said the man. /'-./ \ \ "OK, mister, but this is a private club, /'-./ so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee \ \ through the mail slot," answered the voice. /'-./ jgs \ ) The man did this, the panel was closed, and './ minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-"""""-. Danny McGuire came home from work to find \ / his lovely bride sitting in the living |.-----.| room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" __|_______|___ he says "whatever is the matter, yer still '--;-'```'-;--' in yer robe." / / 6_6 \ \ ( ( _) ) ) "Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm ( ( .__. ) ) feeling. I didn't know what to do so ( `._`-'_.' ) I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, | /___```___\ | I don't know what a specimen is." \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ "Ah lass I don't know either, but if /..,_______,..\ you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. / /\ \ Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, ( /\ LI\ bang and a hell of a crash. Opening `.___,-'` \ | his door, he sees Kate piled up at the '.__/ bottom of the landing. "Kate, whatever happened?" "I tol' Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat, and the fight was on." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Job of a Lawyer .-''-. ( \ ) An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office ( .----. ) and told the receptionist she wanted to see the ( )'/ '( ) lawyer about having a will prepared. The `\ -- /` receptionist suggested they set up an appointment `)(` for a convenient time for the spinster to come /`\/`\ into the office. / \ / \_/\_/ \ The woman replied, "You must understand, I've \ \ / / lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, \/\ /\/ and I don't like to go out. Would it be ))) ((( possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" | | | | The receptionist checked with the attorney who |_____| agreed and he went to the spinster's home for \ | / the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. jgs )|( /-T-\ The lawyer's first question was, "Would you (_/`\_) please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." __.....__ The next morning, she drove him .' ':, to the spinster's house and waited / __ _ __ \\ while he went into the house. | |_)) || |_))|| | | \\ || | || She waited for over an hour, but | || _, her husband didn't come out. So | ||.-(_{} she blew the car horn. | |/ ` | ,_ (\;|/) Shortly, the upstairs bedroom \\| {}_)-,||` window opened, the lawyer stuck \\;/,,;;;;;;;,\\|//, his head out and yelled, "Pick .;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;, me up tomorrow, she's going to \,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;,// let the County bury her!" \\;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;,// ,\';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' jgs;;;;;;;;;;;'''` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm