_______ _ |__ __| | July 13, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) . : . A local policeman had just finished __________ '. : .' his shift one cold November evening / /\__.__'.:.' . and was at home with his wife. "You \_________\/ . .':'. . just won't believe what happened this .' : '. evening, in all my years on the force jgs ' : ' I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) * . New Age Lullaby ' + ___ @ . .-" __"-. + * /:.'`__`'.\ ' Hush little baby don't you squall . |:: .'_ `. :| * Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball @ |:: '._' : :| . + \:'.__.' :/ ' And if you still can't see beyond /`-...-'\ ' + Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand ' jgs / \ . @ * `-.,___,.-' And if that wand don't change your fate Momma's gonna teach you to levitate And if the astral makes you sick, Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick And if that patchouli smells too rank She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank And if that tank don't float your bones Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones And if those gems don't ease your heart Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart And if your planets go berserk Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork And if your aura still needs kneading Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading And if your destiny stays hid Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid And if your chakras still feel stressed Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest And if power animals don't come to charm ya Sorry, kid, it's just your karma. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _,._ __.o` o`"-. .-O o `"-.o O )_,._ Cookies (author unknown) ( o O o )--.-"`O o"-. jgs '--------' ( o O o) `----------` A woman was waiting at an airport one night, With several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops. Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be, Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, he took one too, When only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half, as he ate the other, She snatched it from him and thought... ooh,brother. This guy has some nerve and he's also rude, Why he didn't even show any gratitude! She had never known when she had been so galled, And sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, Then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes. If mine are here, she moaned in despair, The others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \\\\ \c .( The Sabbath Violator \ _/ ___/( /( /--/ \\// Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul __ )/ /\/ \/ one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds `-.\ //\\ past, and their friend, Irving, is running \\// \\ frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly. \/ \\ \\ "Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good jgs '--` friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi." "Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior." "Yeah, like what?" "Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital." "Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis." "Well, maybe his wife's having a baby." "She had one last week." "Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital." "She's home." "Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor." "He *is* a doctor." "Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital." "The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction." "Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!" .---. \_/ "Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see / \ his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani |\\ | tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week." | \\| |\ \| "Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even |\\ | notice he was wearing a tie." | \\| |\ \| "How could you not notice? Didn't you see |\\ | how it was caught on the back fender of | \\| the taxi?" jgs \_/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm