_______ _ |__ __| | August 8, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Tuesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Where is the grass greener?? + A One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of __/_\__ his limousine when he saw two men eating grass /\-'o'-/\ by the road side. He ordered his driver to _||:<_>:||_ stop and he got out to investigate. /\_/=====\_/\ _|:_:_[I]_:_:|_ "Why are you eating grass?", he asked _/::::::::::::::::\_ one man. _/::::::::::::::::::::\_ /:jgs::::::::::::::::::::\ "We don't have any money for food," The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Coconuts, Oranges and Tangerines A married man thought he would give his )\_ _/( wife a birthday surprise by buying her jgs --=(__/^\__)==- a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. _.._ .' - `'. _.._ "Now sir, are they the size a pair /./ : ` \.\.' - `'. of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? |:| : |: |/.'`: `\. \ Oranges?" \'| .|. :|: |: |. | '.___:_.'\'. |. | / "No," he said, "nothing like that." jgs '._:_/_.' "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Cocker Spaniels's ears?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) &&&&& An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon &&& .( return, found four males in her car. She .-&& _/ dropped her shopping bags and drew her / \^/\ handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the / /| _|_|| top of her voice that she knows how to use \ \| |( | it and that she will if required: `\\~~~\|| ,##\7 \\ "SO GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!" |#____\ |#| / / The four men didn't wait around for a second jgs |#|/_/ invitation but got out and ran like mad, where- |#|\ \ upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping (#_\`' bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical, and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Center. Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ _.===========================._ .'` .- - __- - - -- --__--- -. `'. Then there was __ / ,'` _|--|_________|--|_ `'. \ the caller who /'--| ; _.'\ | ' ' | /'._ ; | asked for a // | |_.-' .-'.' - -- - '.'-. '-._| | knitwear (\) \"` _.-` / \ `-._ `"/ company in (\) `-` / .---------. \ `-` Woven. (\) | ||1||2||3|| | (\) | ||4||5||6|| | Operator: Woven? Are (\) | ||7||8||9|| | you sure? (\) ___| ||*||0||#|| | (\) /.--| '---------' | Caller: Yes. That's (\) (\) |\_ _ __ _ __ __/| what it says (\) (\) | | on the label- (\)_._._.__(\) | | Woven in (\\\\jgs\\\) '.___________________.' Scotland. '-'-'-'--' ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department? Caller: Tap water. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ _ ,:'/ _..._ // ( `""-.._.' Caller: I'd like the number for a \| / 6\___ reverend in Cardiff, please. | 6 4 | / Operator: Do you have his name? \_ .--' (_'---'`) Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben. jgs / `'---`() ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm