_______ _ |__ __| | August 13, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _._ I have this friend who always seemed to lean _._ //\\\ slightly to the left all the time. ///\\ |. . ) ( . .| \_=_/ It used to bother me, so I suggested he see \_-_/--' `\ a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For /_) `\-| | \ years, he refused... told me I was crazy. /_| |_\| |_| \\___// |---|/ But last week, he finally went, and sure | | | | | enough, the doctor discovered his left leg | | | | | | was 1/4" shorter than his right. |_|_| |_|_| jgs (__/__)(__\__) A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ssSSss Sandy began a job as an elementary school SSS`SSSS counselor and was eager to help. One day S|e e SSS during recess she noticed a girl standing SS\_-__SSS by herself on one side of a playing field SS.-\_/SSS while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game / \ of soccer at the other. /\/| |\/\ / / |__,|/ / Sandy approached and asked if she was all /|| / /|| right. The girl said she was. / \ `-._____.-' A little while later, however, Sandy noticed | | | the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. jgs |-|-| .-` / \ Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like '---\_/ me to be your friend? The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie, you moron!" _...._ .' \ _'. /##\__/##\_\ |\##/ \##/ | |/ \__/ \ _| \ _/##\__/#/ jgs '.\##/__.' `""""` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _|_ There was a preacher in a church down South who | was getting more and more distressed by all the | "Sunday" Christians who showed up for church on / \ Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of //_\\ the week. A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he //(_)\\ got up in the pulpit one Sunday morning and laid |/^\| into his congregation. ||_|| // \\ "There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. // \\ "You people are all sinners and I'm getting // === \\ tired of it! Its time to confess to your // =-=-= \\ sins before God and your fellow sinners. // === \\ We are going to have a cleansing. Right //| |\\ here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. | | Tell us your sins and clean yourself in | __ __ | the eyes of the Lord! Who's first?" | | | | | | | -|- | | He walks down the aisle pointing at |_|__|__|_| first one then another still hollering jgs /` ======= `\ "Confess" and "Who will be first?" /` ======= `\ One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and the preacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your ways." And to the audience, "C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!" And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children. Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me." And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss and then used that money to gamble." And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!" And still another man stood and said in a firm voice: "I've had sex with a goat." And the preacher replies in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't think I would confess to that!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) . * * * . * . . . . . . . * * ,_ * .-.-------. . __(_\ . //^\\ \ * . . ~( _ ) ___ \\_//_______/ .--------.-. jgs^^ // >>^^,/ _ )~ ^^/[_=/]______]^^^^^^/ //^\\^^^ /_/< \\ /_(=/ (o) (o) \________\\=// ~ ~ [________[\__]\ ^^^ ^^ (o) (o)`\=)_\ ~ ~ A long time ago when Canada was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching. As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; a strange old man sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man. "Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving." The old man replied, "You know, I can see the future.... Wait.. I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yes, I see, I see." "I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader. "A bacon tree. Trust me. I can see the future." The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same strange old man, still there where they had left him. The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting... "What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! Everyone else is DEAD!" The man held up his hand and said "Wait for it... I'm getting a vision.... Uhuh. Ooooh. Oh, I get it....." "Oh my, I made a mistake... T'was not a bacon tree... T'was a hambush." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm