_______ _ |__ __| | September 3, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .===. It's career day at school and the teacher / _/\ \ instructs his students each to stand up, \/e.e\/ _ state their parents occupation, spell it ( _ ) / \ and then tell what their parent would do _)---(_ \ | if they were here today. / `~` \ /`/ /\/ \/\ / Little Rodney stands up and says, "my father / /| |\_/ is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and \ \\_____/ if he were here today, he would help you \ \, L | balance your checkbook". \_| | | | _|_ | "Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about | | | you, Jimmy?'" |__|__| jgs (___|___) Jimmy stands up and stammers, "my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no... L-E-C-K- no... The teacher interrupts, "never mind Jimmy, sit down, how about you Johnny?" Johnny stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Jimmy's ever gonna spell electrician!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Sex Therapy .{{}}}}}}. {{{{{}}}}}}}. A guy went to a psychiatrist because he {{{{ {{{{{}}}} was having severe problems with his sex }}}}} _~ ~_ {{{{{ life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot }}}} e e }}}} of questions, but didn't seem to be {{{{{ ^ {{{{ getting a clear picture of the problems. }}}}}}\ -=- /}}}}} {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}} Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch {{{{{{{) (}}}}}}' your girlfriend's face while you're `""'"': :'"'"'` having sex?" `@` jgs "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face ONCE during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Cat Commandments _ |\/(_ / -`'. Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard | =__-/= when thy human is on the modem. / ( ; \ Thou shall not pull the phone cord out / | of the back of the modem. / , / .' | | Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet / --; | paper off the roll. | || __ | /_;-` _`'. Thou shall not sit in front of the \ '-----' _.-` '._) television or monitor as thou are jgs `'-------'" transparent. Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator. Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt. Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face. Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors. Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself. __ ` \\ Thou shall not /\-/\ /\-/\ /\=/\-""-.// jump onto the /) = ^I^ = = 'Y' =(\ = 'Y' = , \ toilet seat ((_ /'-^-'\ _ _/'-^-'\_)) '-u-' /( / just as thy `\`\ \ / /`/ \\ \ / //` /;_,) |\\ \ human is jgs (_\_|_/_) (_(_|_)_) (_/ (_/ (_(_/ sitting down. """ """ """ """ "" "" "" "" Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m. Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. _ _)\/| Thou shall not trip thy humans even .'`- \ if they are walking too slow. =\-__= | ) \ Thou shall not push open the bathroom / ; door when there are guests in thy house. | \ \ , \ Thou shall remember that thou are a | | '. carnivore, houseplants are not meat. | ;-- \ __ || | Thou shall show remorse when being .'`_ `-;_\ | scolded. (_.' '-._ '-----' / jgs "'-------'` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""-. Jane was a first time contestant / \ \ on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck | /`-._| had smiled in her favor, as Jane |/ . . | .-;;;-. had a gained substantial lead over ( _\ ) (((;(::(\ her opponents. She even managed to |\ = | ).`\):):) win the game but, unfortunately, /\ \_._/ < (:(:( time had run out before the show's /\_\___//\ = `\:):\ host could ask her the big /` \ \|/ `\'--')(:(:) question. Jane agreed to / | ; \ )(::)"( return the following day. jgs ; \ ' .' (::)) \ / / ;;-` Jane was nervous as her husband \/ / | drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis." The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm