_______ _ |__ __| | October 1, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __________ .-"""-. A dietitian was once addressing a / ''''---' .' \ large audience in Chicago. "The jgs\__________....---. '. / material we put into our stomachs '-...-' is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ . - - -- .. _ .-' o _ O () `'-_ A man from Wisconsin, ( o (_) o 0 ) the owner of one of |`"--...__ __...--"`| the largest cheese | o `````. () | factories in the | O . () o O . | state o' cheese, _,.--| () |--.,_ passes away quite .'` ; o ' 0 0 o ; `'. suddenly. In his '. `"--...__ O __...--"` .' will, it stated that `'-..__ ````` __..-'` he was to be buried jgs `""---,,,_______,,,---""` with 5 pounds of each type of cheese; hard, sharp, mild, soft, and so on. As the pallbearers were taking the casket out of the church, the package of limburger burst open in the coffin, and when they smelled the stench, they dropped their load on the steps, causing it to skip down the steps and into the street. The undertaker ran out of the church and screamed at the men, "What in God's name are you doing?" "Hell," said the lead pallbearer, "if he could cut one like that, he sure as hell can walk." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-";"-._ In Israel, most of the taxicabs are .' | '. Mercedes Benzes. ; | ; | | | One day, a taxi-driver picks up a | / \ | Kibbutznik (member of a Kibbutz) who seems ; /` `\ ; rather naive, and admits it's his first './ \.' time to the big city. As they drive, the `-.___.-' Kibbutznik asks the driver what's the star shaped thing on the hood for? Deciding to play on the Kibbutznik naivete, the taxi-driver says it's a sight - for running over pedestrians. He then asks the Kibbutznik if he'd like to see a demonstration? The Kibbutznik is eager to see - so the driver accelerate and drives directly at a person crossing the street. At the last moment he swerves so as to miss the pedestrian - but hears a big noise and upon looking in the rear mirror sees the pedestrian lying on the road. "What happened?!" shouts the taxi driver. "Well," answers the Kibbutznik, "I saw you were going to miss him, so I caught him with the door!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ ."` `;. The 5 questions most feared by men are: / .---'. \ \| . . |/ ( > ) 1. What are you thinking about? \ -- / 2. Do you love me? __)----(__ 3. Do I look fat? /` <_\__/_> `\ 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? / : \ 5. What would you do if I died? jgs | \ : | | What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. .-""-.--. ( ? ) Question # 1: ( ) What are you thinking about? '--'--' () //////// O The proper answer to this, of course, is: // (')') o "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I C _) was just reflecting on what a warm, \ _| wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent \__/ woman you are, and how lucky I am to have <___Y> met you." / \ :\\ / | :|\ This response obviously bears no |___| :|/\ resemblance to the true answer, which | | :|\ \ most likely is one of the following: \ \ :| \ \_ \ \==L| \\\ a. Baseball. ///` || b. Football. | || c. How fat you are. | || d. How much prettier she is than you. | || e. How I would spend the insurance | || money if you died. | || | || Perhaps the best response to this question [___]] was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, jgs (____)) "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? ,@@@@@, ,@@@@@, ,@@,;;;,@,;;;,@@, @@;;;' ';' ';;;@@ The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you @@;;; ;;;@@ feel a more detailed answer is in order, '@@';;, ,;;'@@' "Yes, dear." '@@';;,;;'@@' '@@';'@@' Inappropriate responses include: jgs '@@@' '@' a. Oh Yeah b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. \\\ , jgs Question # 4: \ `| Do you think she's prettier than me? ) ( .-""-. | | /_ { '. | | (/ `\ } ) Once again, the proper response is an | | ^/ ^`} { emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect \ \ \= ( { ) responses include: \ \ '-, { {{ \ \_.' ) } ) a. Yes, but you have a better personality \.-' ( ( b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner /'-.'_. ) ( } c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age \_( { _/\ d. Define pretty )'--' `-;\ \ e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. .--. .-, .-..-.__ .'(`.-` \_.-'-./` |\_( "\__ __.>\ '; _;---,._| / __/`'--) /.--. : |/' _.--.<| / | | _..-' `\ /' /` /_/ _/_/ >_.-``-. `Y /' _;---.`|/)))) '` .-''. \|: \.' __, .-'"` .'--._ `-: \/: /' '.\ _|_ /.'`\ :; /' `- `-|-` -` | | | :.; : | .-'~^~`-. |: | .' _ _ `. |:. | | |_) | |_) | :. : | | | \ | | | .jgs. : ; | | -."-/\\\/:::. `\."-._'."-"_\\-| |///."- " -."-.\\"-."//.-".`-."_\\-.".-\\`=.........=`//-". Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not; don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh my. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. 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