_______ _ |__ __| | October 8, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ Three Pennies .-' '-. .' .-. '. ____ / / \ \ The bachelor finished his .-' '-. | \ `> | meal and placed his tip on .' .-. '. | "" / `._) | the table as he finished / / \ \__\ / \ 1992 / his coffee. The waitress | \ `> |~~~~'-. \ .' took one look at the three | "" / `._) |______ '.___;-' single pennies and said \ / \ 2000 /:::::::. \ "Thank you for your './ \ .'|||||||| | generosity. You can jgs '-.____;-''========'._| always tell the character \O`""""""""""`T/ of a diner by the way he tips". '.N N.' '-E__C_E-' "Oh, really," he said, "and what does that tell you about me?" "Well you put the three pennies in a row," said the waitress, " That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first penny tells me you are frugal. The second penny tells me you are a bachelor." "That's true," he said, "but what does the third penny tell you?" "That tells me your father was a bachelor too." If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) My Three Sons Three sons leave home, go out on their own and prosper. Getting back together, they discuss the gifts they are able to give their elderly mother. The first says: "I built a big house for our mother." The second says: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third says: "You remember how Mom __,---. enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't /__|o\ ) see very well. So I sent her a remarkable `-\ / / parrot that recites the entire Bible. ,) (, It took elders in the church 12 years to // \\ teach him; he's one of a kind. Mama just {( )} has to name the chapter and verse and the =======""===""======= parrot recites it." jgs ||||| ||| Soon thereafter, Mom sends out her letters | of thanks ... "Milton," she says, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she says, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" My dearest, Donald," she says, "the chicken was delicious!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ________________________ Life Before The Computer / ___ ___ '. jgs |\ .-------|:::/:::|--------; | | |:::|:::| | An application was for |\|_ ___ _|:::/:::| __ ____| employment | __ ___""" """_ ____ __`\ A program was a TV show | |\##\\###\\##\\###\\##\\### \ A cursor used profanity \ \ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \ A keyboard was a piano! |\ \||||||||||||||||||||||||||_| | | ;"""""""""""""""""""""""";"| Memory was something that | | |"""""".----------.""""""| | you lost with age | | | |\ \ | | | A CD was a bank account | | |-----|\\___________\-| | | And if you had a 3 1/2 inch | | | | |---------- | \ | | floppy `\| | | | | | `| | You hoped nobody found out! \_| | | `\| , , , # # , ___#_#______#_#___ Compress was something you did to [__________________] garbage |=_= =_ == _ =_ =| Not something you did to a file |- =-_ = _= = __-| And if you unzipped anything in public |=- -_ -= _=-= _=| You'd be in jail for a while! |_.------------.=| |=| o o |=| Log on was adding wood to a fire _|-| ! `( ! |-|_ Hard drive was a long trip on the road /==_| ! _(_.)_ ! |=_-\ A mouse pad was where a mouse lived |jgs|/^\^=^^=^/^\| _=| And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife __ Paste you did with glue | / \ | A web was a spider's home \_\\ //_/ And a virus was the flu! .'/()\'. jgs \\ // I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The 19 Laws of Golf _...._ .'.o' o.'. The 1st Tee: No matter how bad your /o o .o' o'\ last shot was, the worst is yet to |'.o 'o. o'.o| come. This law does not expire on |o. o' o 'o .| the 18th hole, since it has the \ o .o.'o'./ supernatural tendency to extend over '._o__o_.' the course of a tournament, a summer \ / and, eventually, a lifetime. || || The 2nd Dogleg: Your best round || of golf will be followed almost || immediately by your worst round || ever. The probability of the \ jgs\\||// /// latter increases with the number ....\\\\\\\\\//////////.... of people you tell about the former. The 3rd Hole: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. The 4th Fairway: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down. The 5th Hole: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. The 6th Rough: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. The 7th Fairway: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. The 8th Tee: Palm trees eat golf balls. The 9th Sand Bunker: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? The 10th Green: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. The 11th Water Hazard: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. The 12th Tee: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. The 13th Fairway: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole) The 14th Sand Bunker: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. ,___ The 15th Green: "Nice lag" can || 15`'--. usually be translated to "lousy ||__..--'` putt." Similarly, "tough break" || can usually be translated "way || to miss an easy one, sucker." || || The 16th Tee: The person you || would most hate to lose to || will always be the one who """""""""||"""""""""""""""""""""" beats you. .-||-. jgs `""""` () The 17th Fairway: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. The 18th Bunker: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. The 19th Hole: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day. | \ / _\/_ .-'-. //o\ _\/_ -- / \ -- | /o\\ jgs^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^-=======-~^~^~^~~^~^~^~|~~^~^|^~` | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm