_______ _ |__ __| | October 15, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-------. The National Transportation Safety ;"|| \\ Board recently divulged it had .-----------'-''-----`'----. covertly funded a project with |_ :- () the U.S. auto makers for the (__/""\______________/""\___) past five years, whereby the \__/ \__/ auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) New Dog Cross Breeds The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog _..---.._ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer .'` `'. Spaniel: Irish Springer, a dog fresh and / \ clean as a whistle (Irish Spring is an / / \ \ American bath soap, adverts have the | | o o | | jingle "Fresh and Clean as a whistle"). / | _ | \ | |\ '-' /| | Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated \_ | \ _|_ / | _/ Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the jgs \_/ '---' \_/ choice of research scientists _ _ _ .'`.\ Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound / `,\--.-; / Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors | |` `-. \_/ --. -; Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that ,#/ 'o/\o/) makes awful mistakes <)#| .-"(_)`\ ,##/ , _|_/ Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog <)| /V`"`/V| that barks incessantly ##| / , / ,| `<)\ \_(\;_/)\ Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned ##'. '. `"" -) by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway jgs `<)'#<)#-.__.'-' `"""` Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier: /\_..._/\ Derriere, a dog that's true to the end |/ \_/ \| | o.-.o | |\_/| Bull Terrier \ ( O ) / |q p| /} + Shitzu: /'--U--'\ ( 0 )"""\ | .:. | /\ |"^"` | Oh, never | /:;:\ |` / jgs || /=\\ | mind.... | |:;:| |-' "'" '"""' jgs / |'-'| \ `""` `""` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,__ __, | \,-"""-,/ | A friend recently related this TRUE story \.'_ _'./ to me... / \ >| Y |< \ \ : / / A local pastor had a kitten that climbed up '. '-^-' .' a tree in his backyard and then was afraid /`-------'\ jgs to come down. The pastor pled, got warm / >o< \ milk, etc. The kitty wouldn't come down. | | So he decided that if he tied a rope to his .-| |-. car and drove away so that the tree bent | | | | | | down to where he could then reach the | | | | | | kitten. \ | | | | / )| \ / |(`. When did this, and got out to check, he .' /\__)._.(__/_,) ) figured he need to pull forward just a ""` (_______,.' little bit further so the tree would be bend sufficiently to reach the kitten. But as he did so, the rope broke. Of course, the tree went "Boing" and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight. The pastor felt very bad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No one had. So he prayed "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and he met a church member and looked into her cart. And he was amazed to see cat food, knowing she hated cats he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and she finally told her, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." You can guess the rest. She told the pastor, "I watched my little girl go out in the yard, and get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed in front of her!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,;;;, ()))))) I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but... ((((((( ))))))) .----'((((((('----. ...she's really a "home girl", and she (| ))))) |) doesn't care whose. '-..' ((( : '..-' | : ) : | ...she's leading a delightful sexistence. | : : -| | : : -| ...her motto is "to err is human, and it | : -| feels soooo divine." | : : -| |_____________| ...when she dances, she doesn't know the | | | difference between writhe & wrong. |_|_| (_I_) ...she owes most of her jewelry to jgs Y Y "The Power of Positive Winking". ...she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad. ...she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide. ...when a guy sez "say when" pouring drinks, she sez "after this drink". ___.-"""-. ...she knows how to say "yes" ( (___,/\ \ in 17 different languages. \( |')' ) ) \) \=_/ ( ...in college, she *earned* ___ / _,' \ ) the nickname "Hoover". .' \|-(.(_|_ ; ( / //. (_\, | ) ...she wears a velcro-close /`'---.._/ /.\_ ____..'| |_/ bra. | /`'-._ / | '_| ` `;-"`; | /,' ...her exercise program is jgs `'.__/ ( \ "Jumping Jack". '\/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm