_______ _ |__ __| | October 19, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Another True Police Story... __[]__ The police department, ,-`---.--`;. (} famous for its superior .---' '---'.-.-- '----. incident. Returning `"` `"` ` ` /> >\ home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ You think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? _[_____]_ |---------| |#### ####|\ Well, here are a few things that Autoweek has |... ...|\\ brought to our attention to compare. This is |_________|((| what it costs to buy a gallon of... |.-------.| || || || [] || || # Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 || || ,# per gallon || || #' || ||#' Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals || ||' $9.52 per gallon jgs __|'-------'|__ [_______________] Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $10.17 per gallon ___ | | Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals | | $10.00 per gallon |___| (___) Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals | | $12.72 per gallon _.-' '-._ /' `\ STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals \ / $33.60 per gallon | .---------. | | | _ | | Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals | | (_` | | $178.13 per gallon | | ,_)_ | | | | / ` | | Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals | | _\_, | | $123.20 per gallon | | / \ | | | | \_/_ | | Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 | | |_) | | per gallon j | | _| | | g | | |_ | | Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $84.48 s | | |_ | | per gallon / '---------' \ \_____________/ And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $ 21.19 per gallon You get the idea?? So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!! _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. ." o \__ Two robins were sitting in a tree. _.-" ,( ` _.-" ,;;| "I'm really hungry", said the first one. _.-=" _," ,,;;;' .-"`_.-"``-..,,;;;;:' "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down `"'` `\`\ and find some lunch." jgs /^\\\ They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. .--. "I'm so full I don't think I can __/ o ". fly back up to the tree", said the ` ), "-._ first one. |;;, "-._ ';;;,, ",_ "=-._ "Me either. Let's just lay here and ':;;;;,,..-``"-._`"-. bask in the warm sun", said the second. /`/` `'"` ///^\ jgs "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Temperature Conversion Guide With Winter just around the corner, here is a handy chart for helping to gauge how cold it is... .--. / \ | | |_50 | 50°F (10°C)- New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant | | gardens. |- | |_40 | 40°F (4°C)- Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians | | sunbathe. |- | 35°F (2°C)- Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with |_30 | the windows down. | | |- | 32°F (0°C)- Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets |_20 | thicker. | | 20°F (-7°C)- Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. |- | Canadians throw on a T-shirt. |_10 | | | 15°F (-9°C)- Californians begin to evacuate the state. |- | Canadians go swimming. |_0 | | | |- | 0°F (-18°C)- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. |_-10| Canadians have the last cookout before it gets | | cold. |- | -10°F (-23°C)- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick |_-20| flagpoles. | | -20°F (-29°C)- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians |- | throw on a lightweight jacket. |_-30| | | -40°F (-40°C)- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent |- | videos. |_-40| | | |- | |_-50| | | |- | |_-60| -60°F (-51°C)- Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts | | begin selling cookies door to door. |- | |_-70| -80°F (-62°C)- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. | | Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" |- | classes until it gets cold enough. |_-80| -100°F (-73°C)- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. | | Canadians pull down their earflaps. |- | |_-90| | | |- | |_-10| -173°F (-114°C)- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get | | frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs. |- | |_-11| -297°F (-183°C)- Microbial life survives on dairy products. |;;;;| Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold |;;;;| hands. \;;;;/ -460°F (-273°C)- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start |;;| saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" |;;| |;;| |;;| |;;| -500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win \;;/ the Stanley Cup. _____________________________________ |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& .\^/. &&&&&&| |&&&&&& . | | . &&&&&&| |&&&&&& |\| |/| &&&&&&| |&&&&&& .--' '--. &&&&&&| |&&&&&& \ / &&&&&&| |&&&&&& > < &&&&&&| |&&&&&& '~|/~~|~~\|~' &&&&&&| |&&&&&& | &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&& &&&&&&| |&&&&&&_________________________&JGS&&| `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm