_______ _ |__ __| | November 12, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Great Writer Once Wrote... ________________________.--------. There was once _.--'\\ \ \ (__________`;.__ a young man <) || | | |__) who, in his jgs `'--.//__________________/_/_____________.' youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", this is what he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages... _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Little Johnny Learns To Count ______ ____ /_____/\ /___/| The teacher asked little Johnny if / \ \ __| | |__ he knows his numbers. / /\ \/| /__| |/__/| | | || | ||___ ___|/ "Yes," he said. "I do. My father | |/_| | | | | | taught me." | __ | | |__|/ | | || | | "Good. What comes after three." | | || | | |__|/ |__|/ "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) + Three Hookers (_) / \ /_____\ It was the usual scene in the City's Night |.:.| Court, the police had rounded up the usual \(%)/ collection of street walkers and brought them \_/ before the judge; three stood before him, all o=={_}==o arrested on the same corner. He asked the | | first lady what she had to say for herself. | | ,sSSSSs | ,sSSS` "> The woman was irate, "I don't know what all | SSSS@ =) this is about your honor. I'm a college | SSSSS_(_ __ student doing research for a term paper." | |SS/ _)_) /.- | |< \ /\// The judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I | | \|==(\_/ would have thought you'd done enough research | | (/ ; by now. My computer says you have two prior | | |____| convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." | | \ |\ | | ) ) ) He then turned to the second lady and | | ( |/ requested her to testify. The woman began | | /\ | crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a jgs| /.(=\ housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes Y\_\ for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Just The Right Pet _ ,:'/ _..._ // ( `""-.._.' A widow was feeling rather lonely and \| / 6\___ decided that the best thing for her would | 6 4 be to have a companion. So, off she went | / to the pet shop. \_ .--' (_'---'`) She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd jgs / `'---`() like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the "right one." She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish. Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again. On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display. Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something. _ __ Going by the barrel again, she took /_/_\`\ another peek. There was that nasty .---\o\o/ | toad, and this time, he puckered up (-. , O`--. and threw her a kiss!! This was almost \_'----' .--.`\ too much for the poor widow and she just |` / (| about ran over to the other pets. _\ _\ ()_/ {_/'-||_} -'`) She tried hard to find just the right jgs {_/ }_..-` one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her. Totally discouraged by now, the widow decided to go home. On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry. All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available. So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home. As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time .. .. to time, and he kept winking at her and .' ` `. throwing her kisses. She finally thought, .'_.-...-._`. "Oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned `. .' over and KISSED him! jgs `-...-' And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!! And of course our poor widow turned into the first motel she came to!! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm