_______ _ |__ __| | December 17, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,_ -=[ 12 Days Of Redneck Christmas ]=- )\ /,( On the 12 days of Christmas, \)/ my true love gave to me: .--"T"--. |`"-----"`| A 12 pack of Bud |:. | 11 rasslin' tickets |:: | 10 tins of Copenhagen ,-|::. |-, 9 years probation \`"--...--"`/ 8 table dancers '-. .-' 7 packs of Red Man `| |` 6 cans of Spam ,| | 5 flannel shirts ,\\///, \ 4 big mud tires \\()>//()\\\ '-. 2 huntin' dawgs >>//<\\\<<___.-' and jgs `""` some parts to a Mustang GT. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Nativity Scene | -=*=- m w n (| (} | {) {\ {) |/||\ {\ $_>&_>%_> | || ___o /|/_ | \| \| \ jgs | || X--X |__\ |__\__\__\ In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and .-"``""-. Trees and Fire Hydrants /_\_ _ _ _\ and..... |/{ ` ` ` `} {} {,_,_,_,_} PARANOID )/ a a \( Santa Claus is () Coming to Get Me. | /_)(_\ | \ / PERSONALITY DISORDER jgs '.____.' You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why. DEPRESSION Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again) _ J I N G L E \ (__ '.__`'-. B E L L S `'. \ __ .--._) | __..--''__``--../ \_/\.' .'`__..--`` ``--..\ \ / | ( '--' \ ;--. /\_/ \__ .--. \ \ /__`'--/\_/ \ '--' `'--\ / /----. '--`-----.`\ __) | .'__.' jgs /_( PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Gift Ideas For Men .-"""-. Christmas is just around the /` .--.\ corner, so it's time for me to ; .' .-:| share some gift ideas for those |._.|_._| () special men in your life! /\// \\\\/\ .:::. Buying gifts for men is < //0 0\\ > _\d8b/_ not as nearly as `\ > /` | \ \ \ | complicated as it is _\ '=' /_ |\ \ \ \| for women. Follow /`||`---`||`\ |_\_\_\_| these rules and you /\ |\_____/| /\ \_|/ should have no problems. /\ \/ \/ /\ /\-' /\ /| o |\ /\/\/ Rule #1: \-< | | \ /|/ When in doubt - buy him a cordless \/\| o | `"` drill. It does not matter if he \/\ | already has one. I have a friend /|\ o | who owns 17 and he has yet to `;-------;' complain. As a man, you can never | | | have too many cordless drills. \___T___/ For that matter, any power tool is |==|==| a good choice. He may not need it, jgs |==|==| or know what it does, but it will o |==|==| o look good hung on the peg board in /(__/._T_.\__)\ the garage. \ | | / `""""` `""""` Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after- shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.") Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. Rule #16: Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why. Rule #17: Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it. ______________________ .' __ `. | .'__`. = = = = |_.-----._ .---. | `.__.' = = = = | | | \ _______________ / .-. \ |`. | | | | ````````````,) \ `-' / | `. |_| |_/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' `---' | `-;___ | `-----' ___ | /\``---..._____.' _ _...--''' ``-._ | | \ /\\` `._ | | ) __..--''\___/ \\ _.-'```''-._ `; | | / / .' \\_.-' ```` | | / |_.-.___| .-. .'~ | `( | `-' `-' ;`._ | `. jgs \__ ___.' //`-._ _,,, | ) ``--../ \ // `-.,,,..-' `; `----------' \//,_ _.-' ^ ```--...___..-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm