_______ _ |__ __| | December 28, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Birds And The Bees A father asks his son, now aged 10, /_/_ .'''. if he knows about the birds and the =O(_)))) ...' `. bees. \_\ `. . `..' "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. _______ "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I `-----.\ _____, got the 'there's no Santa' speech. `---- \\ .-./.---` At age seven I got the 'there's no ,__`---. `-` '>---` Easter bunny' speech. Then at age `,_.-. /`.-` 8 you hit me with the 'there's no jgs ',___.' tooth fairy' speech! If you're " going to tell me now that grownups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Motivational Speech ___ Not too long ago a large seminar was held /___\ for ministers in training. |/. .\| Among the speakers were many well known ( ) ) motivational speakers. One such boldly \ = / approached the pulpit and, gathering the _)_(_ entire crowd's attention, said, "The best .' '. years of my life were spent in the arms /.-.___.-.\ of a woman that wasn't my wife!" [_________] The crowd was shocked! He followed | | up by saying, "And that woman was | , | my mother!" The crowd burst into | -|- | laughter and he gave his speech which | | | went over well. | | | | About a week later one of the ministers | | who had attended the seminar decided .---------. to use that joke in his sermon. __,-'---------'-,__ As he shyly approached the _jgs___|___________________|_________ pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Meeting Someone New Sadie had lost her husband almost four years ago and had still not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly called her, urging her to get back out into the world. Finally, Sadie told her that she would go out, but she didn't know anyone. Her daughter immedi- ately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." .---. Sadie and the man her daughter introduced /_/ \_\ ,;;;, her to hit it off immediately. They took ( '>') (((( )) to one another, and after dating for six \ -/ ('<' ))) weeks, he asked her to join him for a )-(_ \= ((( weekend in the Catskills. Their first / `-\'--.)_())) night there, she undressed as he did. | \ |--./--' \ There she stood, nude except for a pair |\ \;_ /\\_ / | of black panties, and he was in his birth- |_\___|_/) / / day suit. Looking at her he asked, "Why / | / /_/\ the black panites?" She replied, "My breasts \ || | ((( | you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, | || | | but down there I am still in mourning." He | || | | knows he's not getting lucky that night, so | || |_____| they both just go to sleep. The following | || || | night, the same scenario. She's standing |__||_jgs||_| there with the black panties on and he is (___)_) ((_/Y in his birthday suit, but with an erection, and on his penis he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies,"I want to offer my condolences." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Hebonics /^\ The NYC School Board has officially declared / \ Jewish-English a second language. Backers _______/_/_\ \_______ of the move say the district is the \ ____ ____\ \___ / first in the nation to recognize \ \ / / \ \ / / Hebronics as the language of many \ / / \ / / American Jews. Look for other cities / / / / to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, / / \ / / \ Los Angeles, and Scarsdale. / /_\ \_____/_/_\ \ /_____\ \___________\ In Hebronics: Questions are always \ \ / / answered with questions: jgs \ ` / \_/ Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics: English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks." English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!" English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like? English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse" English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?" English: "It's been so long since you've called." Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm