_______ _ |__ __| | January 2, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Tuesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Counting The Twins A census taker in a rural area went up to a farm- _._ _._ house and knocked. When a woman came to the door, ///\\ //\\\ he asked her how many children she had and their ( . .| |. . ) ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the \_-_/__\_=_/ twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And /_) `\_| |\ the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And /_| |_\| |_| the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen-- " \\___// |---|/ | | | | | "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get | | | | | | twins every time?" |_|_| |_|_| jgs (__/__)(__\__) The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Facial Hair .-"```'. / \ \ The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they / / `\__/ scrimped and saved to send their son to college. | .' _ _| As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow \(\ 6 6 a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and | \ _\ | sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute |\ `~`= `/ adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it | '.___.' to his parents. .'` \ |_ jgs '-__ / `- On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Soon after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two Nuns Out Of Gas A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. _____ Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the .'` `'. driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns .' '. explained they needed some gas. The driver / .-"""-. \ of the truck said he would gladly drain some ; / \ ; from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket | | | | or can. | | | | ; \ / ; One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and \ ) ( / asked the driver if he could use it. He said \ / \ / yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts \ \ / / of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns \ '.___.' / and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the `'-----'` precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Prayer For Moms And Dads Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind. _.-/`) I pray I find a little quiet // / / ) Far from the daily family riot .=// / / / ) May I lie back--not have to think //`/ / / / / about what they're stuffing down the sink, // ( ` / or who they're with, or where they're at || / and what they're doing to the cat. \\ / )) .' I pray for time all to myself jgs // / (did something just fall off a shelf?) / To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago! /:`"| .@@@@@, |: 66|_ @@@@@@@@, C _) aa`@@@@@@ \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ ) / =' @@@@" /`\\ \(``` .@@@@@, || |Y| //`\ ."~~~~~". aa`@@@@, || |#| / | || | .@. | (_ ?@@@@ || |#\ \ | || | /e e\ | A = @@@@" || | #| | | || 0 0_|_\ - /_|_|~| )_@@@" |"":\ :| |==: | | |\ ("))___`"`___(|_| /. |@@ 66 `:| ||_|,/ | |_| \ `( )|~~~~~~~~~| ((| | (_ / \)))|| | ((( | '^'\_________/ || | -_( |~~~`-`~~~| \~~~~~~| |/ /_\ \| ||_| / || | | \ / ()/___\() | W) | || |_________| (( | ||~~~~~|| || | |_|| |_________| || | || || || | | W| | || || | || || || | || | |_||__ ||__| ||_____|| _||_| _||_| jgs (____)) ((____) ||-----|| ((___) ((___) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm