_______ _ |__ __| | January 4, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Adam And Eve Painting A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a paint- )`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`( ing of Adam and Eve frolicking ) .-------------------------. ( in the Garden of Eden. ) | __ | ( ) | ___ (__`\ | ( "Look at their reserve, their ) | /`___) ). \| | ( calm," muses the Brit. "They must ) | | / .( \_ // | ( be British." ) | ) \ _/ _ / `\ | ( ) | / / \ ,/-.`._/ / | ( "Nonsense," the Frenchman ) | | \ \))_(_) \ /( | ( disagrees. "They're naked, and so ) | \ )'--'` ;-` \ | ( beautiful. Clearly, they are ) | / \ |/ / | ( French." ) | \ \\ / ,/ | ( ) | '. |) ( \ | ( "No way! They have no clothes ) | / /; |\ \ | ( and no shelter," the Russian ) | | /\| |/\ | | ( points out, "They have only ) | ( \(_'. / )/ ) | ( an apple to eat, and are being ) | jgs `-` '-'/_/ | ( told they live in a paradise. ) '-------------------------' ( Obviously, they are Russian." ).-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.( _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Close Shave .-"""-. A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the / \ barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem | | he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. _\ /_ "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a [___________] small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just |####' | place this between your cheek and gum." The |##' ,#| customer places the ball in his mouth and proceeds |' ,###| with the closest shave the man has ever | ,####'| experienced. | ,####' | |####' | After a few strokes, the clients asks in |##' ,#| garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" |' ,###| |___,####'| "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back [___________] tomorrow like everyone else does!" \ / jgs | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Conductor's Changes Conductor to orchestra at the beginning ,;, of a rehearsal: #(|)# #|||# "Please get your pencils out, - we have some marking ||| to do on this score: ||| / The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written. ||| /#/ Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this _|||_ / / remains to the end. Now, in bar 7, we lower the .' ||| '/ / pitch 1/2 step. In bar 13, lower the pitch one / ||| / / whole step, and this will remain to the end. | |||/ /| Thank you, now let us begin." |_ ||/ /_| ,_)=|/|/(_, Soprano soloist: ) /|/ ( "Excuse me, maestro. What would you like for / /|/| \ me to change?" | / /|| | jgs | / /~~~/ | Conductor: \/ / \ / / "Nothing at all, madam. /`/.__Y__.-' Just sing it exactly as you did yesterday." /#/ | | ! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Play It Where It Lies _...._ .'.o' o.'. Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course /o o .o' o'\ one day and decided that today they would play |'.o 'o. o'.o| the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" |o. o' o 'o .| \\ \ o .o.'o'./ /, On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball jgs\'._o__o_.'//// and it ended up on the cart path. ````^^````^^^^```^^ As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards _, the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two .-'`|| inches from the cup. `'--.|| || "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. || "What club did you use?" || || The man answered with a wry smile. "^"^""^""^""^""^"||"""^""^" || "Your 7-iron!" .-||. () `"""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm