_______ _ |__ __| | February 6, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Tuesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Aspiring Psychiatrists The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their ..@@@@@@@.. first class on emotional extremes. .@@@@@@@@@@/@@@@. @@@@@@@@@@@/@@@@@@@ "Just to establish some parameters," said @@@@@@@@@@@' '@@@@@ the professor, to the student from Arkansas, @@@@@@' `@@@ "What is the opposite of joy?" @@@' .--. .--. @@ @ (()__) (_()_) @ "Sadness," said the student. (( / \ )) | (_ _) | "And the opposite of depression?" he jgs \ __.-. / asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. '._ '--' _.' `-------' "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Washington's Big Battle .-'~"-. Washington and his men had just finished a big / `- \ battle and were tired and wounded. They were /> `. -.| walking for miles looking for a place to stay when /_ '-.__) they came upon this very small borken down shack. |- _.' \ | `~~; \\ Washington asked the man who answered the door if / \\) he had room to help some of his men as they were jgs '.___.-'`" tired and sick.. The man said, "As you see, I only have room for one man." So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place. After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest. The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She said, "how many men do you have? Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve {\ {\ \ -God worried that Adam would always be { ~\ \ _______ lost in the garden because men hate to {* \ \ <:<:<:>:> ask for directions. { ~ * \ \(((//^^\ {* ~ \((((/ e e -God knew that Adam would one day need { * ~ * |))))c u ) someone to hand him the TV remote. {* * ////'_/~` (Men don't want to see what's ON {~ * (((( `.`\ television, they want to see WHAT ELSE `{.~ ~ )))`\ \))_.-.is on!) `{ ~ *(() `\_.-'`` `{.__.* `-*. -God knew that Adam would never buy a .* ~ *. new fig leaf when his seat wore out .*. * ~ *. and would therefore need Eve to get .* . . *. one for him. .* ~ * *. .* * ~ *. -God knew that Adam would never make jgs .* ~ . *. a doctor's appointment for himself. .* * . ~ * ~ *. ..* ~ * ~ *. -God knew that Adam would never ~~* ~~* ~~* ~~* ~~* ~~* remember which night was garbage night. -God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. -As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. -The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. -As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" -When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "Damn ... I know I can do better than that." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Aging Women _()_ Age 8: Looks at herself and sees )( Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc. _..-''''''-.._ .' . ' ` . `. Age 15: Looks at herself and .' . . `. sees Cinderella/Sleeping .-. : . ...... . : Beauty/Cheerleader or if : : . .' ) ( `. . : she is PMS'ing: sees `. @: . : < > : . : .----. Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom, `.: . :--`--'--: . :.' `. I can't go to school .---:: . : .--. *: . :: _ : looking like this!") .'.' `:. . : :__. : . .' : '.`: : : : -. : `._ `.______.' _.' '`._ .' ' Age 20: Looks at her- `. `'' .' ``-......-'' `. ``` .' self and sees "too fat/ `---' jgs `----' too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she's going anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean," and goes anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to. Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life. Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world. Age 90: Can't see and so doesn't worry about it! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm