_______ _ |__ __| | March 15, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The New Office Help A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her _..,----,.._ first task was to go out and get coffee for .-;'-.,____,.-'; everyone. Eager to prove her worth to her new (( | | bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried `)) ; to the nearby coffee shop. She held up the ` \ / thermos so that the counterman could view it .-' `,.____.,' '-. and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold ( '------' ) six cups of coffee?" `-=..________..--' The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!", the blonde sighed in relief, "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) It's Her Problem .-"""""-. A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic .-" "-. costume and hiding his right hand inside __/ \__ his coat entered the psychiatrist's office \ .-"""""-. / and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need '----//o o\\----' your help right away." ( _\ ) ,____`\ = /`____, "I can see that," retorted the doctor. // \ `;'---' ` / \ "Lie down on that couch and tell me your \\/ |-o \// problem." | | | | | | | |-o |\ | "I don't have any problem," the man \ `--| |/ / snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France '._ |-o | / I have everything I could possibly want: '|""| | .' money, women, power -- everything! But | |-o |-` I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in | | | deep mental trouble." |_/ \_____| jgs | | | "I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring | | | his distraught patient. "And what seems \'-.|.-'/ to be her main problem?" ] _|_ [ / | \ "For some strange reason," answered / / \ \ the unhappy man, "she thinks she's (___/` `\___) Mrs. Schwartz." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Top 10 Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?" _______________________ | |h_ __ One Secret Service agent is sit- | ||=|##L_ ting on your head while another |________________.====._||_|__._| is slapping cuffs on you. `(_)(_)` ' (_)(_)"""="=(_) Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!" ,@;@, Your inbox is filled with sheep porno ,@;@;@;@;@;@/ )@;@; and you're strictly a cow porno kind .;@;@;@;@;@;@|_/@' e\ of guy. (|@;@:@\@;@;@;@:@( \ '@;@;@|@;@;@;@;'`"--' You're suddenly getting more Spam '@;@;/;@;/;@;' than the Hormel outlet store. ) // | || \ \\ | || Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours \ \\ ) \\ jgs and that you now owe them $71,000,000 `"` `"`` and change. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week. _ Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom. ~0 (_| |(_~|^~~| Your wife calls you at the office to report that TT/_ T"T Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) What Makes You Really Happy? _____ .' '. A young journalism student at the University of / o o \ Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest | | story. He went into the mountains to do some | \ / | research. There, he found an old farmer sitting \ '---' / on his porch, introduced himself, and explained jgs '._____.' his mission. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?" _____ .' '. After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my / o o \ neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. | | We formed a posse and found her. After we all | \ / | screwed her, we took her back home." \ '---' / '._____.' "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home." _____ .' '. Again, the young man said "I can't print that, / o o \ either. Let's try another approach. Has any- | | thing ever happened around here that made you | .---. | really sad?" \ ' ' / '._____.' The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com | | and your address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm