_______ _ |__ __| | March 20, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Tuesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .===. The Joys Of Having Kids / ,,, \ .===. ( /6.6\ ) ////\\\ .===. )( _ )( ((/6.6\)) /_____\__ .===. ( ,'---', ) )( _ )( `\/6.6\/--` ////\\\ / (\-/) \ ((()---())) ( _ ) \/6.6\/ /\ /o o\ /\ )))`@`((( ,'---', ( _ ) | _\ Y /_ | /\/ \/\ / _ \ ,'---', \(_ `~` _)/ \ | | / /_/ (_) \_\ / \ / / \ \ \| |/ \ | (_) | / /_/ \_\ / ()/^\() \ |_____| \|_____|/ \| |/ /. . . . . .\ |__|__| | | | (|_____|) `"`"|`|`|"`"` | | | | | | |__|__| |_|_| |_|_| \__|__/ |_|_| jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running. There are only two things a child will share willingly communicable diseases and their mother's age. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights. An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids. mom, you up there? / Shouting to make your ,==. |~~~ kids obey is like using / 66\ | the horn to steer your \c -_) |~~~ car, and you get about `) ( | the same results! / \ |~~~ / \ \ | Any child can tell you (( /\ \_ |~~~ that the sole purpose \\ \ `--`| 0of a middle name is so / / / |~~~ he can tell when he's jgs___ (_(___)_| really in trouble. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Circle Flies __ __ An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he / \-/ \ was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speed- ._\ | /_. ing," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give .__\__Y__/__. you a ticket." _{___}_ jgs ' (@I@) ' "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper ~^~ shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." _,_ "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" ._(@I@)_. the trooper angrily asked. .--{___}--. .-/ Y \-. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just / | \ can't fool them flies." jgs \__/-\__/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ...By Robert Fulghum, from his book titled "Maybe, Maybe Not!" ____________________________ _____ ,\\ ___________________ \ | `------------------------' || (___________________) `| |_____.------------------------._ || ____________________ | jgs `//__(____________________)___/ 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can many fine tools are there, its warm and dry and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or /O\ fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning \ / it to the "on" switch; or just paint over | | it. | | | | __.....__ 7. Always take credit .--' '--. .-" "-. for miracles. If / _______ \ |`'-........-'`| you dropped the {_________} | | alarm clock while ||||||||||| |`'-........-'`| taking it apart and ||||||||||| | _ _ | it suddenly starts ||||||||||| ||_)|\ ||\ | | | working, you have ||||||||||| || |-\|| \| | | healed it. | | jgs |`'-........-'`| 8. Regardless of what `'-..______..-'` people say, kicking, pounding and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Diary of a Blonde Newlywed Dear Diary, Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine. __.......__ Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for ,-"`` ``"-. supper. The recipe said, "serve with- |;------.-' _.-'\ out dressing." So I didn't dress. ||______|` ' ' ` | But Bob happened to bring a friend home ||------| | for supper that night. Did they ever _;|______| |_ look started when I served the salad. (```"""""""| |``) jgs\'._ '-.........-'_.'/ Wednesday: I decided to serve rice '._`""===........===""`_.' and found a recipe which said, "Wash ``"""=========="""`` thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any. _____________ ______________ (_,---------.(`______________`) Thursday: Today Bob asked for \ / salad again. I tried a new jgs `-------------' recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over their one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it. Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10. ,. Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to (\(\) dinner. I wanted to serve roast but ,_ ; o > all we had in the icebox was ham- {`-. / (_) burger. So I put it in the oven and `={\`-._____/` | set the controls for roast. Must be `-{ / -=`\ | the oven because it still came out .="`={ -= = _/ /`"-. as hamburger. (M==M=M==M=M==M==M==M==M) \=N=N==N=N==N=N==N=NN=/ Good night, Dear Diary. This has \M==M=M==M=M==M===M=/ been an exciting week. I am eager \N=N==N=N==N=NN=N=/ for tomorrow to come, so I can try jgs \M==M==M=M==M==M/ a new recipe on Bob. `-------------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com | | and your address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm