_______ _ |__ __| | April 5, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Bragging Coworker _ /-\ A coworker who had returned from a company trip to \_/ Singapore and Indonesia was waxing eloquent about his /\Y/\ many adventures. After he finally finished and was || : || out of earshot, another employee came over to me... || : || (|---|) | | | "Don't mind him," she said. "He's just suffering | | | from jet brag!" |_|_| jgs (/ \) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Explosive Package A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt, and the woman says "What a great chest you have." . \'/ The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of -=>*<=- dynamite". He takes off his pants, and the woman .-"/.\ says "What massive calves you have!" The bodybuilder / ' tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite" He then _| takes off his shorts, and the woman goes _.|_|._ running and screaming out of the apartment. .' '. / \ The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and | # | chases after her. He finally catches up to | | her and asks her why she ran out of the \ / apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid '. .' to be around all that dynamite after I saw `'---'` jgs what a short fuse you have!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Flight Or Fright As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shat- tered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. _._ /\\\\ Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man |. .| in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly \_-_/ walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered /` `\ mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, /_| |_\ courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, \_\___/_/ motioning toward his chest, whispers something into | | the boy's ear. Instantly the boy calms down, gently | | | takes his mother's hand and quietly fastens his seat |_|_| belt. jgs (__/__) All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars and battle ribbons and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Quotes From The Mothers of Famous People PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" _ MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: _(_)_ "I don't mind you having a garden, @@@@ (_)@(_) vVVVv Mary, but does it have to be growing @@()@@ wWWWw (_)\ (___) under your bed?" @@@@ (___) `|/ Y / Y \| \|/ COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what \ | \ |/ | / \ | / you've discovered, Christopher. You \\|// \\|/// \\\|//\\\|/// still could have written!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" .-"-. HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've /a a \ _/\ told you once, I've told you a hundred / - \ \ / times not to sit on that wall. But would ;`'-----'`;\// you listen to me? Noooo!" /|___:_____|\/ _//|---------| BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many (_/__\/)__/)_/______ times have I told you -- quit playing |__|_//__//__|___|__| ball in the house! That's the third |___|\\__\\|___|___|| broken window this week!" |_|_(_/_(_/___|___|_| |____|___|___|___|__| NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napo- |jgs___|___|___|___|| lean. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it! MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" ,---, ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stove- | | pipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball | | cap like the other kids?" |___| _|___|_ BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are [_______] your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to \|. .|/ look a little purple." (| > |) _\`-'/_ MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb /` \_/ `\ followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: ) "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't ( .---. get off your tuffet and start cleaning your ) /////\\ room, there'll be a lot more spiders _(_ ((c` .( around here!" //o\\ )))_ _/ ((/ ;_ __ GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time / \___(__) I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, / (_ you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" \____/\ jgs /___\\_\ THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud /""|""\\_\_ that you invented the electric light bulb, / | \(__\ Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" -''--. _`> `\.-'< ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, _.' _ '._ it's your senior picture. Can't you do .' _.=' '=._ '. something about your hair? Styling >_ / /_\ /_\ \ _< gel, mousse, something...?" / ( \o/\\o/ ) \ >._\ .-,_)-. /_.< GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill jgs /__/ \__\ here for a busted chair from the Bear '---' family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" _.._ (_.-.\ JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice .-, ` story, but now tell me where you've .--./ / _.-""-. really been for the last three days." '-. (__..-" \ \ a | CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, ',.__. ,__.-'/ remember what I told you -- don't go jgs '--/_.'----'` biting off more than you can chew!" SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com | | and your address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm