_______ _ |__ __| | April 24, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Tuesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Why Cats Are Better Than Men A cat always hits the litter box. _ <`-.__.-',> ,-. You have a better chance of training a cat. ) ( | \ _/ ^4^ _\ ; | You never have to spend time with =\_ -'- _=/__.-~~-./ / your cat's mother. `;---` / __| | \ If you ask enough times, a cat may .~` \ | , \ ; actually LISTEN to you. (_,~'` `.\ |__..~'. | | ; ) | `) 7 You can de-claw a cat... try to get _/ / (_.' / / a guy to clip his toenails. jgs (__,' (_.' It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend. A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks HE is. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Sloth Gathering Berries `""==,,__ A sloth in the forest had `"==..__"=..__ _ _..-==""_ spent all day gathering .-,`"=/ /\ \""/_)==""`` berries and was making his ( ( | | | \/ | way home when he was mugged \ '. | \; \ / by a gang of snails. They | \ | | || knocked him down, knocked ,-._.' |_| | || him out and made off with all .\_/\ -' ; Y his berries. | ` | / |-. '. __/_ _.-' /' A while later he was found jgs `'-.._____.-' and aided by a very concerned monkey who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught and punished. Unfortunately, the sloth revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them; it all happened so fast." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Life Lessons Learned From A Dog If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. __ .' `. /-._ Don't go out without ID. _.-'/ | \`-._`-._ , _.-" ,| / a `-. `-._`-._ Be direct with people; |\ .-" `--""-.__.'=====`-._] let them know exactly \ `-'` .___.--._)============| how you feel by piddling \ .' | | on their shoes. | /,_.-' | | _/ _.'( | | Be aware of when to hold / ,-' \ \ | | your tongue, and when to \ \ `-' | | use it. `-' jgs '-------------' Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Next Time You Think You're Having A Bad Day The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. ,_ A minute later they were \::, both eaten by a killer whale. |::::\ |:::::\ __/:::::::\,____ _.-::::::::::::::::::::==..,____ .-::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.,__ .:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::) .:::::'```'-::::::::::::::::::::::(__,__`)::::-' .;;;;;;::. ':::::::::::::::::::-:::::@::-'""-, .------:::::::::::' '-::::::::::' / `'--'"""".-' /:::::::::/:::/` _,..-----.,__ `''''`/ ;__,..--''--'` `'--::::::::::|-'` `'---'| | `\::::\ \ / |:::::| '-' \::::| jgs `\::| \/ A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. ( ____ Intending to jolt him away from ) .;'` `';, the deadly current she whacked him ( // \\ with a handy plank of wood by the ,_ || _..-n-.._ || back door, breaking his arm in two (c)\||-"'-.....-"-;| places. Till that moment he had been \ ;' Y happily listening to his Walkman. \_/` \ ; ; Two animal rights protesters were | | protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs | | to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. jgs '.__ __.' Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand ``""""""`` of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com | | and your address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm