A New Year Technically
----------------------
This is a new year. Sorta. One of the things me
and my partner Tor were talking about last night
is that this doesn't *feel* like a new year.

It's still that feeling of time being broken in
the pandemic, all the routines and rituals
breaking down into something nebulous.

I'm scared of getting lost in all these dark
feelings so instead I'm trying to think of ways
to make time feel more real, more solid, more
meaningful.

Doing this daily phlog is going to help at least
make each day have some kind of marker, but I
probably should talk more about what I did each
day.

So to that end: Carolyn went to bed around 1:00,
although she and I talked about solving the
day's wordle puzzle at around 1:30 over text so
I know she didn't get to sleep til after
that. Tor and I talked til nearly 4am about how
hard the past couple of years have been and
about struggling with other people's nihilism.

We then crashed on the couch together. I laid
my head against their back, my face smushed
against them as we fell asleep in an improbably
but comfortable arrangement. The morning was
quiet and soft. The three of us ate leftover
cookies for breakfast and drank coffee together.

I organized my bullet journal for the new year,
made music, and we all hung out and talked and
played a little NieR: Replicant and watched a
video that was kinda disappointing. A try not to
laugh challenge from a streamer Carolyn likes
that involved a lot of very not funny videos.

After that video, I was feeling bored and stuck
but managed to get out on a walk, picking up a
book from the library and having a
good-on-a-walk conversation at the same time. I
swear talking while walking is always the best,
particularly with how me and Tor talk to each other.

I've been writing messages to people to try and
catch up and make sure I'm not losing touch with
folks even though every email/text/&c. I send
fills me with the deep apprehension the other
person will think "god, this asshole again?".

I mean, fuck, who likes me? Who could? That's
what I think every time, which sucks because it
means I probably end up giving people space who
don't actually want it from me, who maybe will
interpret it as indifference.

I want to do better than this. I want to stay
more connected with others. Because all we have
is each other, right?