Ambition
--------

Thinking this morning that I'm a really
ambitious person but that I've always felt like
I don't have enough to show for all of that.

I have so many big dreams, plans, things I'm
working towards and so few of them feel like
they've paid off how I wanted.

Some of that is real and is my fault: I struggle
with a lot of dark depressive moods and
executive function issues that I know I could
handle better than I do. Some of it is real and
is outside my control: my stories about how I
was treated in grad school make people's eyes
pop out and most people who had early lives like
mine don't even make it to this age nor do they
manage to have any kind of career.

Some of it *isn't* real at all, though. I know I
have a tendency to look at anything I *have*
done and say "eh, that's not enough". I think by
definition nothing I could accomplish is going
to ever feel like anything that can sate because
ambition is an unquenchable thirst. I don't
think that's always a bad thing, to feel driven
to do and grow forever, but it *is* bad when
it's tying your worth to particular outcomes.

It's good to try new things, to struggle, to
take risks. If you're only ever doing things
that you know will work then you're not taking
enough chances. It's like the old advice for
frequent fliers that if you never miss a flight
you're wasting too much time waiting at the
airport: if you've never had a big idea fail,
you probably haven't been trying risky enough
things.