Dysphoria
---------

Dysphoria is a strange thing for someone like
me.

People expect me to have dysphoria over my
genitals and, well, I don't really. I've never
had dysphoria over having a dick per se, but the
fact that my body produced semen and I could
impregnate someone---at least in
theory---horrified ten year old me to the point
of sobbing prayers to God to just fucking do
something. I hate facial hair even more than I
hate having body hair in general. And while yes
cis women can and do have facial hair, even be
capable of growing full beards more commonly
than we ever like to admit, but coarse
can-ruin-a-fancy-blade-in-one-go hair is
something I got distinctly from my father and is
about the only trait of my apperance I got from
him. 

My body feels more right with the fat
distribution that's come from a decade on
estrogen, clothes seem right now that they have
to lay against breasts, but most days I'm very
glad I'm not bigger than a large c-cup because
if I were much larger I'd be dysphoric over that
and have to start binding. When my breasts were
still growing I was actually looking into
binders because I was getting uncomfortable with
being seen so simply as a woman.

I can't ever imagine having a cis body. If I
woke up tomorrow as a cis woman I still
wouldn't be happy. It probably wouldn't be
as bad as pre hormones but I don't think
it'd feel right.

I joke that humans don't come with bodies I'd
feel comfortable with and what I mean by that is
that I'd rather be an androgyne, a actual
hermaphrodite in the real sense---not the ways
it's used grossly towards intersex people---but
in the true sense of being a non
differentiated both/neither. If we could be a
trioecetic species I'd be fine, but no mammals
get this luxury.

These days I often describe my gender as
"faggot" or "woman/faggot" because reclaiming
that slur is about the closest thing I can do
to describing that the way I see myself is
inseperable from the subversive nature of camab
queerness. My attraction and love is always gay
no matter who it involves and cannot be teased
apart from the fact that most people don't think
bodies like mine should even exist.

Mostly what I ask from the world and cannot get
is to be seen as something that isn't broken
down into concepts like man or woman while still
taking the estrogen & progesterone that make me
feel like I can think and breathe and move
freely. If I can't have the body I'd want at
least I could be free of what everyone else puts
on this compromise.