Sleep
------
Sleep is my great enemy, always has been. I've
been wrestling with insomnia since long before
I had any of the things that are supposed to be
bad for sleep hygiene: caffeine, screentime, &c.

I've just always had trouble sleeping and it's,
like a lot of things, probably a combination of
trauma, brainweirdness, and just bad biological
luck.

I joke that I'm a night owl whose internal alarm
clock is set to early bird, because I honestly
feel best and most lucid in the evenings and
when I'm doing well I don't even feel tired
until maybe 1 or 2.

But on the other hand my eyes fly open with
panic every morning at anywhere from 4-6. You
can see the obvious problem there.

Last night I was stuck in a long series of dark
sad thoughts, but the worst of them was this:
within the next decade my father will probably
die. How will I take care of my mother after
that? Will she even want me to help her? How can
we possibly reconcile after everything?

Those are hard thoughts to churn through, alone
at 4am but unable to get up and do anything for
fear of waking everyone else. So instead you sit
and stew in it, tossing and turning to try and
put it out of your mind.

I failed to calm myself down into sleep once
more, but then again who wouldn't?