Do I know how to be happy?

July 24th 2023
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I think one of the cruelest things
anyone has ever said to me was a decade
ago when I was dating someone who had
spent a lot of time telling me I needed
to open up, needed to learn to rely on
them, &c. and then when I was talking
about how hard shit was in grad school
they got quiet and said

"I don't think you know how to be
happy"

and then just changed the subject

That's messed me up for a lot of years
now because, well, there's a part of me
always scared it's true.

I'm a person who's depressed, sad, and
stressed a lot. I tend to swing big and
often it doesn't realy pay off. I've
been through a lot of, uhh, not fun
things in my life and have the emotional
scars to show it.

I like to think that on some level I'm
kind of an optimist. Even when things
get hard and everything goes wrong I
always dust myself off and throw myself
into the next try. I'm the person who
(to reference the a:tla episode Ember
Island Players) "gives overemotional
speeches about hope all the time"

But I still have that core of being a
sad, moody, person and when I have dark
depressive periods I just worry that my
ex was right and that I don't know how
to be happy