Depression and the like
------------------------

It took me nearly two hours to sit up and stay sitting up this
morning. I've been so depressed that everything feels pointless on
more mornings than not.

I've been trying to blast my brain with enough caffeine that I have
some energy. After all, coffee is strangelye effective at cutting
depression and ideation. But this means that it's always at least 10am
or 10:30am by the time I'm feeling even vaguely motivated and I've had
enough cups of coffee to feel something. I've also been living off of
ever increasing amounts of spice in my food to try and just feel
*something*.

I have so much creative work I need to be doing but I'm just kinda
empty.

So what do you do in times like this? I don't know. I don't know if
there's an obvious answer. I think it might just come down to "don't
stop". Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe if I gave into the burnout and just
slept and played video games and read for a week maybe I'd feel
better.

I really don't know what I'm doing.

I have a musical performance I'm supposed to be doing in less than a
week. I worry I'm just going to be absolute shit at it, like I think I
am at literally everything: all empty potential and waste.

No, that's probably a messed up thing to say about myself but it's how
I feel in dark times like this.