Dark thoughts in motion
-----------------------

I'm typing this while on a bus. A bus headed north to the
mess of a room that's one day going to be a makerspace and
computer lab.

I'm heading there on a Sunday afternoon because I only found
out today that a programming class for kids my non-profit
was supposed to handle this week only had six computers
available when I was told in advance that we could just use
the on-site computer lab.

"Can you just have the kids double up?" my meta-boss [not
technically my boss but the woman with all the connections
across my city who gets me most of my work and works on
grants with me, so basically a boss outside the structure of
being a boss] who I normally respect a lot asked of me.

"No we can't fucking have kids double up omicron-variant is
already driving a spike in this city I shouldn't have even
agreed to staff an in person event at all what the fuck is
wrong with all of us." went the text I didn't actually send.

Instead, I'm heading up north on a bus to grab a bunch of
spare chromebooks I've borrowed from our library
system---whose educational efforts I used to support on a
volunteer basis---that I've been leaving in storage along
with a ton of half put together and sorted equipment for
when one day we actually open up this makerspace.

I was furious. Furious at what seemed like such a lack of
forethought. Furious that I'd been asking for weeks about
the logistics of the space I'd agreed to staff and only got
an answer the afternoon before classes start. I'm furious
that I have to take this time I was going to spend on
practicing for a performance in two days and schlep computers
around instead.

I'm furious that I feel like one long afterthough a lot of
the time.

I'm a person who will do things that need to be done. I
don't let projects fail. I won't walk away from something
just because of stress or misery.

Sometimes I hate this about myself.

I wish I were a more selfish person, someone who didn't just
take inconsiderate and frustrating shit so in-stride. Even
ranting like this is uncharacteristic of me. Normally I'd
rant a little to my partners and then take a few deep
breaths and then move on.

I have so much I wish I could be doing all the time and I
feel like I keep not getting to do any of it. I feel like I
drown under so many frustrations and demands and people just
not fucking thinking about what I really need.

And the problem, of course, is that I fear I only have
myself to blame: even in fury I can come across as cool and
nonplussed. I'm slow to lose my temper, to show anger, to
even express annoyance. I worry that much of the time people
don't even realize how inconsiderate they've been because no
one gets the feedback from me needed. That I'm, effectively,
a passive-aggressive person without the aggression. I just
feel miserable and frustrated and no one knows why.

When I finally flame-out everyone is going to be surprised.