On the smol internet you have room to breathe
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I'm retreating further and further into the smol internet lately. I
think it's partly a response to the amount of stress I've been under
lately but also largely that I'm getting so sick of the modern
centralized web, getting so sick of how people talk to each other on
social media.

I feel like it's a kind of poison, really, and even when you try to
not participate it's impossible not to be affected by other people's
tones and mannerisms: I find myself getting snippier, more likely to
take uncharitable interpretations of what people are saying, and
just generally be more irritable.

I also think my focus gets worse, too. I start getting twitchy about
not checking my phone for long.

I can only imagine how screwed I'd be if I spent time on any social
media beyond twitter. It'd just be complete sensory/cognitive
overload.

But this morning, right, I was by myself for awhile and I just took
some time, started checking for updates on various phlog hosting
servers, and reading other people's diary entries and thoughts.

It felt like cool water on my brain. Not just because of the tone of
things, people talking about their thoughts and feelings in ways
that feel less like trying to shout over each other, but also just
the sensory nature of gemlogs and phlogs.

I once wrote on my gemlog, awhile back, that I find terminal
programs so much easier to use than big visually complicated
GUIs. For example, I find it far easier to code in a simple text
editor than I do in an IDE. The biggest reason why I haven't gotten
deeper into Android programming, if I'm being honest, is that it all
the introductory tutorials are built around using the Android Studio
IDE and I just get mindflooded by it and find it so slow and
frustrating. It's like I can never get into a flow-state with it.

That's kinda how a lot of things on the web feel for me. They're
sensory overload, particularly anything with infinite scrolling or
autoplay. I tried using tiktok for five minutes because I wanted to
look for myself at how bad some of the trends on queer discourse are
there since I'd heard so many bad things.

And, oh god it's autoplaying infinite scroll sensory hell. I could also
feel the pressure in my brain to want to keep flicking down to move
off of the video I was on that was looping but then that
automatically started something else. No wonder I've seen
researchers on social media use talk about it being one of the worst
for people getting stuck for long periods just scrolling and
watching, scrolling and watching.

But meanwhile I look through an aggregator of phlogs and it ends up
being a very calm experience where I can just read text without a
lot of chrome and I can actually focus on reading.

Reading. I think that's what a lot of it comes down to. I find it
best when I can just *read*. When I can read without feeling
overwhelmed, or defensive, or like I'm having a bunch of people
yelling their thoughts at me.

There's something about the smol internet that makes me feel a bit
more like I can actually breathe, and reflect, and think. The less
time I'm spending in overwhelming spaces the less awful I'm feeling.

It's just hard, right, because we are still dealing with covid and
we are still forcibly isolated from each other in these ways that
feel just miserable. Social media at least feels like there's a
bunch of people around you can talk to and interact with, even if
it's miserable. I think that's part of what's been driving us this
past couple of years. The whole world feels wrong and that feeling
of wrongness is just getting worse.

I don't know what to do other than try to find healthier ways to
cope with it than just staring at my phone, angry and sad.