Being social is hard when everything you do is evil 
===================================================

I occasionally reference that I have pretty bad scruples OCD. When I'm 
not careful it means that I'll end up getting stuck in long periods of 
being convinced that I'm the most evil person in existence, an absolute 
monster who should be put down like a rabid animal.

The way I mostly handle the scruples obsessions is to live by a lot of 
restrictive moral rules. Sometimes my strong need for deeply 
interrogating the ethics of my own actions is good: I think it's a good 
thing that I'm vegan and have been extremely careful of what kinds of 
jobs I've taken even when it means I've been very poor. At least I 
wasn't doing formal methods work for the military, y'know?

But in the day-to-day it tends to mean I second guess my every thought 
and action, I get into arguments with myself constantly about whether my 
actions are Good Enough, I try to restrict sources of pleasure or 
happiness because I don't have the right to have good things when so 
many people still don't.

It's been hard this year having a job that actually pays well, even 
though it fits all my criterion for what an ethical-enough job would be, 
simply because I can't shake the feeling that someone else might have 
needed it more. I can't reason with counterfactuals like that. I don't 
know the set of all people who might have needed a job as a community 
college professor. So instead I get to stew in the sense that I probably 
ruined someone's life by getting this position.

It's also hard for me to be social, to talk to people, when I feel like 
I'm a cancer on the world. I tend to withdraw, keep only loose contact, 
priortize giving help when it's needed rather than actually having a 
real friendship.

This creates a double-bind where I'm evil if I let myself be close to 
others and I'm evil if people are hurt by how "cold" I can seem.

It's one of the things I never entirely know how to resolve.