!The phone barrier
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rawtext.club:70/~xiu
2023-05-04
Boorloo/Perth, Western Australia
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I'm not sure when my aversion to phone calls began. I
remember chatting for ages with friends on the phone when
I was in highschool. And then tolerating phone calls from
guys who'd call up and have nothing to talk about but
still want to hang out on the line, and there was no way
to cut it short without being rude (and also because,
I've been informed, my autism probably meant I didn't
have a sense for how). Maybe that planted the seed of
dislike, idk.

Something definitely changed after I got a mobile
phone--I think all the talk of radiation and brain cancer
must have moved it along somewhat. Then later as texting
and non-SMS-based messaging got cheaper and easier, and
the audio quality of phone calls got crunchier, I guess
my phone-call senses just atrophied. Extroverts,
intrusive people, and those of a phone-faced disposition
making a big deal probably contributed some weight too.

Over the years, the aversion became an anxiety.

However, one time in my 30s, despite this anxiety, I
decided to call my grandma just to say hi. The call was
really short, which was fine, but I think she worried she
gave off the impression she didn't know how to talk on
the phone. I get the sense it became a bit of a family
joke, and the next time we spoke on the phone, the call
went for a little longer lol. But one of my cousins tells
me she'd mention that first phone call from time to time.
For months, maybe years, I gather. It must have meant a
lot to her, even though my cousin would call her all the
time. After she passed away, it feels like that one
little phone call, and the subsequent call that proved
she knew how to talk on the phone (lol), had a lot of
something loaded onto it. Something: love, meaning,
intention, effort, care, the unspoken energy that binds
you to someone regardless of transient factors like
distance and circumstance.

This morning, I emailed my auntie to wish her a happy
birthday. The email bounced. I tried texting, but who
knows what the deal is with international SMS in Old
Country. WhatsApp is THE communication medium over there,
and I stopped and had a good think about connection to
family versus excising Meta from my life as much as I
can. And then I remembered the phone.

And then I called my auntie. It's her 70th birthday
today. She had a chuckle over cheeky plans for spending
it how she wants to. It was so good to hear her voice.

And then I called my sister, because it was easier to
talk rather than type, and I knew she'd be fine with a
short call. (Tho we ended up talking for 3x as long as I
expected cos there was so much to say lol.)

I can almost see a future without this phone barrier in
it, perhaps even without some of my long-held social
anxieties too. Maybe all I need are rules and boundaries
that radiate outwards from myself, rather than inwards
from social expectation or easy digital workarounds.

All I have to do is set those rules and stick to them.