2019-11-25

I've been meaning to do this for a long time. Well, since high school. 
When I first got my SDF account, gopher immediately caught my eye. I 
previously only journaled for maybe a day or so before getting bored. 
It's yet another thing I knew would be good for me but put off. Not any 
longer! It's Thanksgiving break, and I have ample free time to finally 
digitally put pen to paper. No one told me Sophomore year of undergrad 
would be this busy, then again, I can't blame anyone but myself for 
registering for 18 credits.

Last week, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me after a few months 
of trouble. (His scare with STDs from other girls, him brushing me off, 
and feeling more distant than ever). I don't think it's important to go 
into specifics, especially since my primary audience is myself in the 
future. This week has been a lot. I'm proud of how I'm handling it, 
though.

I'm self-improving almost out of spite: "See! Look how much better I'm 
doing!" That's at least why I'm finally journaling and getting back into 
exercise. That illusion quickly falls away, though... I won't be in 
contact with him again to gloat, and bragging wouldn't make me feel any 
better. Two years is a short time, but it's been a ninth of my life. At 
least I know that it will improve.

The section of Ecclesiastes that we read in Bible study came to mind:

    1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activitiy 
    under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to 
    plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a 
    time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep an a time to 
    laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter 
    stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to 
    refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a 
    time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time 
    to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love 
    and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

    9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden 
    God has laid upon the human race. 11 He has made everything 
    beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; 
    yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I 
    know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and do 
    good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and 
    find satisfaction in all their toil--this is a the gift of God.

    14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can 
    be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people 
    will fear him.

Now might be a time to mourn, to pluck up that which is planted, and to 
refrain from embracing. Okay. I can neutrally accept that. Those seasons 
will change.

What won't is my friendship with him. As painful as it is to deny any 
communication, any phone call will be a gentle breeze keeping the embers 
bright. I believe it must endure forever. I don't know how to let him 
know that I forgive him.

asl