6.5.20
And just when you think you're almost out of the woods...

The public  lynching of  George Floyd  and the  resulting unconscionable
acts by  police departments across  the country have been  weighing more
heavily on  my mind than  anything else  lately. The things  that police
officers are  not only  allowed but  tacitly encouraged  to do  to black
people,  people of  color in  general, protestors,  members of  the LGBT
community, etc, etc,  make my stomach churn. Every day  I see new videos
of so-called  "law enforcement  officers" committing  atrocities against
people whose only crimes are being harmed, dehumanizied, and stripped of
agency. To call it shameful would be an affront to the concept of shame.

At some  point the situation here  really feels hopeless. I've  been hit
with  massive feelings  of anhedonia  and powerlessness  in the  face of
this. It just feels so pointless and unfulfilling to keep up with day to
day tasks when there is a war going  on. I've been trying to keep up and
stay motivated, but  even simple things like keeping up  with this phlog
have been pushed to the wayside. All in all, I hope that some good comes
from  the fighting  and  hard work  the people  are  doing against  this
state-sponsored  terrorism. I  pray  for  peace, but  when  there is  no
justice, there can  be no peace. I  hope that some day  people will look
back on  this as part of  a massive turning  of the tides in  a positive
way. But right now it's fucking horrifying.

I have had  a lot of strange feelings regarding  religion lately, and my
religious beliefs. I won't go into them here in depth, but suffice it to
say I occupy a very strange position, theologically speaking. I have met
very few people with whom I can  relate on this level over the course of
my life, and I communicate with none of that small number, for unrelated
reasons. It's very alienating, and even  moreso because people that I am
close to,  people I do  interact with, have  lots of baggage  related to
religious  belief and  (understandably) do  not want  to discuss  it; at
least not in a  positive way. I feel more alone when  I think about this
topic than at any other time, I think, and especially now when it's been
something weighing  heavier than usual on  my mind. I wish  I could find
some kind of community for people like  myself, but I doubt such a thing
exists.

-Vx