STULTUS Avis Propagandapaper Issue #6 24 Sept. 2023 ____________ __________ __ ___/_ /____ ____ /_ /____ _________ _____ \_ __/ / / /_ /_ __/ / / /_ ___/ ____/ // /_ / /_/ /_ / / /_ / /_/ /_(__ ) /____/ \__/ \__,_/ /_/ \__/ \__,_/ /____/ _______ _____ ___ |__ ____(_)_______ __ /| |_ | / /_ /__ ___/ _ ___ |_ |/ /_ / _(__ ) /_/ |_|____/ /_/ /____/ ----------------------------------------------------------- Starbucc coffee $21 per drop Contains additional arsenic and other immune destroying nutrients! ----------------------------------------------------------- Lobster Telephone sued Lobster Telephone has been sued by Shrimp Telephone and the Mozambique government because Lobster Tel did not drop 98% of calls and only dropped 45%. "This is outrageous! What kind of honest business is this! Unacceptable" says Shrimp Telephone representative, Linda Thompson. ----------------------------------------------------------- Stultus Avis editorial guidelines We strive to deceive people as much as we can and deliver issues regularly. We also strive to be opaque, and untrustworthy as possible. We hope you will stay with us through these challenging times. ----------------------------------------------------------- BioData Selling YOUR data Violating your dignity since 1997 ----------------------------------------------------------- Weather -273.15 C, Light thunderstorm (CAT 5). Chance of flying sofas and falling ladders. Other hazards include: tables, pencils, erasers and dead rats. 77% chance of nuke rain and rainbows puking on everyone. 24% chance of rainbow puke floods. ----------------------------------------------------------- Randomgovernmentwebsite.com NOW WITH MORE OUTDATED SOFTWARE! Featuring Adoebee Flashie and MonkeyChunks GoldLight and ActivX. ----------------------------------------------------------- INTRODUCING GagOrder's newest invention! Jiggle Cream. 8 second+ lag per click. Advertisement enhancement ----------------------------------------------------------- NEW III launch The NEW III rocket lifted off from Caped Canerveral today. The first stage operated as usual but the second stage failed to ignite, probably because someone stole all the fuel. It crashed in a field in Idaho causing the destruction of 4 houses. Nobody was hurt as the buildings were abandoned sometime in the 1980s due to the 1977 Fall, which was further compounded by the 1981, 1993, 2007 and 2022 falls. ----------------------------------------------------------- What are falls? Falls are events where society changes, usually for the worse. Eg. The 1977 fall, where human intelligence fell 10%. The 1981 fall is the rise of obesity. The 1993 fall was a futher rise in obesity. The 2007 fall was a fall of well, everything. The 2022 fall caused a rise in rents. ----------------------------------------------------------- Stultus on GOPHER! Stultus Avis is officially now on gopher, a faster alternative to the web (aka. Webbo). Try it! It is at gopher://sdf.org/1/caketheidiot/stultus. ----------------------------------------------------------- REVIEW: Adventures of Booger Snot Adventures of Booger Snot is about a man who gets shipwrecked on an island and is forced to eat his snot. After 3 years, he finally gets rescued, but then he collapses and dies, probably of snot indigestion. It was a hit from the first day and 20,000 people bought the book. ----------------------------------------------------------- New newspaper formed A new newspaper, The Melting Fish, has been founded by Mr. Howard Fishy Smell. It features stories on the latest of politics and current affairs and science (eg. Man Finds Fish Frozen For 35,000 YEARS CLICK NOW!). "such good news deserves a place" says Smell. ----------------------------------------------------------- Where Where's body has been found at WhereVille, 9 km away. Turns out, he was partying when the nuke was dropped, and all his friends were vaporized. He jumped into the swimming pool and survived. Afterwards, he ran to the nearest town but died of not saying "where?" in 24 hours. ----------------------------------------------------------- Happy Talk like a Pirate day! Happy (late) Talk like a Pirate day to all our brainless readers. As we say, For the Brainless. Talk like one today and help our friends in the Carribean (Car bean?) ----------------------------------------------------------- Man found A man was found today, wearing a swimsuit.. In the middle of the desert. The peculiar person is named "Robert Mcdonald". He claims he was abducted from his home 6 days prior and thrown into a van and taken to the Sahara desert, where he survived on eating sand and drinking cactuses. He is in ICU of DieNow Hospital in Somalia. "I recommend everyone NOT to use your fancy indoor swimmng pools after 6 PM or the squad will get you" says Mr. Mcdonald. "Just don't please." he adds. 3,977 people have been abducted by NOswimmingafter6pm, an organization to "protect" people. "The kidnappings are a noble venture to protect people from the menace known as swimming after 6 PM. ----------------------------------------------------------- What does this word mean? This issue's word: brain. Brain is a lump of weird stuff that can think and do stuff. It needs oxygen to function. Do not expose to: 1. Dust 2. Fire 3. Nukes 4. Rock music ----------------------------------------------------------- Excuse galore 1. It went missing 2. I left it at home 3. What? 4. THE DEVIL! 5. It got burnt and its ashes flew outside from my window and turned into fertilizer. 6. It fell into the sewers 7. Destroyed by nuclear bomb 8. *pure silence ensues* 9. It turned into a lump of coal ----------------------------------------------------------- BUY THE LATEST Snotto comic! Fun to read Fun to eat Now with: Ladder the fish! And last but not least, the NEWEST, FRESHEST Brian Comics! $34 per page ----------------------------------------------------------- Cat News Network interrupts your reading for an urgent announcement: An earthquake of magnitude 10/5 has struck. This is the end of the world. We are just mildly exaggerating here. THIS IS REALLY BAD FOR STOCK (stick?) MARKET! SELL ALL YOUR SHARES QUICK! ----------------------------------------------------------- Man drinks oceans Mr. Kelly Madeup bought a straw and drank up the whole of the world's oceans. "I was a bit thirsty and drank a little. But I had my fill when I had drunk up 12 liters. And then I saw the TekTek challenge called drink everything and did what it told me and drank everything" says Madeup. ----------------------------------------------------------- Sumsang Note -857 Thinnest smortphoen at 2 mm WARNING: THE PHONE CAN BE DESTROYED IF YOU BEND IT TOO MUCH. WEAK AS A CHOCOLATE. ----------------------------------------------------------- BlackChain + MediocreCoin: The next big thing in scams! Off to the moon! Even though we will probably go to the core of the earth. Soon everyone will use this coin! Off to moon! Off to the sun! Off to Neptune! ----------------------------------------------------------- NotFlix Order your favourite movies on DVD (Dog Vehicle Device). $9.99 per DVD. Rent for 3 days. ----------------------------------------------------------- Join the Travel Around The Planet Peregrination Will take ~5 years. No food or water. ----------------------------------------------------------- Paranoia is The Mother of Paranoia. - Some Guy Who We Made Up Just Now. ----------------------------------------------------------- How to enhance user experience 1. Use a bloated framework 2. Use unnecessary javascript 3. Make it slower 4. "dYnamIc wEb eXpeRienCE" 5. Use cloudflame 6. Use software from DarkForge* * = The great at being the worst source code store. Turned to the dark side a few years ago. ----------------------------------------------------------- Quote of This Issue "Sleep is for villains" - lolz, 19-9-23 "Death is Death. Life is Life." "Chocolates are delicious" ----------------------------------------------------------- SOPA Bill passed The SOPA (Soapy Octopus Protection Anger) bill has been pa OF COPYRIGHT ABUSER HERE] to block anything they don't want. For example, "Pissney CEO found eating human limbs for breakfast" would be banned. ----------------------------------------------------------- Sany Pictures The most evil media conglomerate ever. BUY BUY BUY ----------------------------------------------------------- DownloadVirus.com Freeware avail! NO FEE 3301 advertisements on front page alone! Terms and conditions: I, the consumer, agree to let DownloadVirus.com's partners , co-conspirators and the site itself to be able to run arbitrary code and bundle arbitrary code into my computing system. I hereby waiver the right to challenge DownloadVirus.com's practices in court and allow them to enhance I, the user's, internet (World Wide Web) browser experience. ----------------------------------------------------------- The Blue Paint: Revenge* A new movie, The Blue Paint: Revenge has been released to theatres and on NotFlix today. Initial reviews say the movie is very good, and has gained a massive watching base. Directed by Mr. James Forgotten, and actors include Jim Washaway and Bob Whatwashisnameagain. * = Inspiration from shelob's idea "Avatar: The Blue Paint", published in an earlier (paper) release of Stultus Avis. ----------------------------------------------------------- Whatpunk: The Revolution [This is blatant self-promotion. WhatPunk is made by me.] A new browser, WhatPunk will be launched in.. TBD. Complete with messages that threaten you, strangely made commands, etc. For the ultimate Stultus experience. Based on Offpunk, a really good browser by ploum (from ploum.net). ----------------------------------------------------------- Vote for Pointless Party (PP) For Free Toilet Paper. ----------------------------------------------------------- Skiddles Candies* Bite sized. Munchy. Straight from a coal mine. Freshest ingredients. Cabbage flavour tastes like rusty brick* * = Coined by lolz ----------------------------------------------------------- BcDonalds French Fry 1 fry per pack $15 per pack Low Quality Guaranteed! ----------------------------------------------------------- VPN Wars The VPN Wars were a series of attacks by VPN corpos on eachother so that they will gain better market share in the 2010s. It was quite deadly and stuff. Ultimately, all of the 300 VPNs which participated were destroyed by the war except 5, including Nard VPN. The war was first started in June 2011 by ProxyVPN against ShillVPN. We do not have much data for 2012, but we do know every other VPN joined in the conflict. On December 7 2011, ShillVPN's offices were bombed by agents belonging to NardVPN. In retaliation, on January 2 2012, NardAir (NardVPN's private plane service for high- ranking employees) flight 692 has shot down, killing all 112 people on board. On January 5 2012, SellDataVPN sent a squad of 38 agents to ShadowVPN's offices and killed 665 people. From January to October 2012, those 300 VPNs fought an endless-ish war to kill eachother and committed many bombings, murders, missile strikes, etc. One very important murder was the killing of Mr. Jeff Bankman, CEO of SellDataVPN. Mr. Bankman was travelling in his car and some motorcycles surrounded the vehicle and killed Jeff. The method of killing was "shoved his face into a bucket of tomato sauce and died of asphyxiation later that day" says Mark Deviller, who was a witness of the horrifying murder. On November 7 2012, ShadowVPN was eliminated because they were nuked by NardVPN. In 2013, 57 VPNs were annihilated, 50 due to other VPNs killing their entire workforce and 7 due to bankruptcy because wars are expensive. In 2014, 22 VPNs were destroyed in Operation WhatJustHappnd by ShadowVPN, which sabotaged servers and bombed stuff. In the timespan 2015-2020, 15 VPNs went bust, mostly due to NardVPN posing as loan-givers and trapping other VPNs in very untrustworthy 91837% interest loans, including ShadowVPN and SellDataVPN. The survivors captured 97% of the market. The suspected death toll is 27,338 but not counting famines and floods caused by the wars. Including floods and famines, the death toll is 2,583,446. The wars were fought mainly in the US because VPNs love to exploit the ever-growing market in the US, mostly caused by Yutubb "influencers" shilling them out. For example, "Before we tell you 10 useless facts to destroy your already low 8.5 second attention span, which is already lower than a goldfish, we would like to thank our sponsor, NardVPN." - By AntiSepticFrog, a TekTek influencer. ----------------------------------------------------------- Attention spans drop Attention spans in the average human have dropped once again to 2.21 seconds, from 8.5 seconds in 2018. The cause of this drop is "use of TekTek and other delusion media platforms" says Karen Watt. Congratulations! Considering you are able to read this without falling into a delusional loop, you have an attention span higher than a goldfish! ----------------------------------------------------------- Octopus Eyes Available @ $9.99 From Scamee Retail. Visit your nearest Scamee today! Now enriched with Uranium! Bestest Octopi on the market! Special 70% FLAT DISCOUNT! SALE! SALE! SALE!!! Be a shopaholic. Be a patriot. ----------------------------------------------------------- Black Friday Deals at Stealers' Shopp! 90% OFF! ----------------------------------------------------------- Black Friday deaths counted Black friday deaths have been counted, says Edward Table. The deaths reached 77,662.11 today, after a shopper reportedly "threw a washing machine at a pillar and the building collapsed. I did not run for the exit. No, this new TV is more important. I survived with 1 arm missing, but atleast I got my precious OLED 8K TV for free" says Jack Pencil. The absolute mess was compounded by a very small 7.2 magnitude earthquake, probably caused by the tectonic plates getting annoyed by the endless noises above ground. We have interviewed Mr. North American Plate, a tectonic plate, to find the reason why he was so worked up. "Those people were so annoying! They kept shouting, throwing stones, and other stuff. I wanted to get rid of them, or at least kill enough to make them silent. But it failed, those people are so stubborn to get their new appliances!" says Mr. Plate. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is Stultus getting shorter?! Creative juices are NOT infinite. We do hope it was. We will be able to deceive more people that way. ----------------------------------------------------------- Consume Product. Be good citizen. Ignarus bonum. Ad by the Government of Planet EARth. ----------------------------------------------------------- Crumblr Cookies 0 calories. I meant 10 calories. Actually its 2248 calorie. Misleading ads! ----------------------------------------------------------- Monopoly is a good thing! No competition! Ad by DATA CORP. ----------------------------------------------------------- NEW IV launched The NEW IV rocket launched successfully into a low earth orbit today. But sadly the satellite tumbled out of control and got roasted on one side and frozen on another side (just like school food!). The satellite fell from orbit on Saturday in the city of Pizza in ITaly, destroying one pizza shop. "We offer our condolences to the pizza shop that got destroyed. Hundreds of pizzas were lost on that tragic night" says The Department of Sending Useless Condolences. ----------------------------------------------------------- Blood Types A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J and Pizza+. ----------------------------------------------------------- Leading causes of death The leading causes in death in the last week was Drowning, asphyxiation caused by laughing too much, death and slipping on the bathroom floor, says Andrew Naysay, director of The Institute of Measuring Deaths For No Reason. ----------------------------------------------------------- How to increase router speed Method 1: Threaten the router by threatening to pour water. Works 90% of the time. Method 2: Make a threatening stare. Work, do method 1. ----------------------------------------------------------- Spatify Music Pay $99.99 per month to get access to our big collection of 5 songs. 1.1 kbps speed limit. Netscrape is the only browser compatible. GREAT DEAL! ----------------------------------------------------------- Pony TVs $562 per unit 140p 1 fps (oops meant seconds per frame, sorry) We also publish music. ----------------------------------------------------------- Not enough time to relax after work? Kill your sleep schedule! Answer by Stultus Unhealthifyme ----------------------------------------------------------- Toilet Battlez NEW TV series! Only on Neckelodium ----------------------------------------------------------- Introducing NEW DISHWASHER Made by War Toilets Corporation $1955 per piece Makes your house sway like there's an earthquake ----------------------------------------------------------- SPERDVAC: Get the unit now! $19833 ----------------------------------------------------------- Supa Good Payment Service (SGPS): NOW WITH AI BLACKCHAIN NFT INTEGRATION! THIS IS USEFUL! ----------------------------------------------------------- Buzzwords Bulletin 1. NFT (Nanny Function Target) 2. Blackchains (eg. Batcoin) 3. AI (Art Idiots) 4. AI-Intergrated (garbage integrated) 5. Dynamic cloud 6. Cloud (rain clouds?) 7. Digital transformation 8. Web3 (aka. WebFARCE) ----------------------------------------------------------- Newest Trends Bulletin 1. Replacing your PearPC every month even though your old one is just as good 2. Eat metal bolts 3. Drink bleach 4. Die 5. Eat ghost pepper ----------------------------------------------------------- Plane falls A Booing 748 plane fell out of the sky today because the pilot accidentally turned the engine off. "I pressed the open the washroom door button but actually it was the "turn engine off and crash into a field button". It was horrifying" says Ken Wateren. ----------------------------------------------------------- Pencilvania is the best tourist destination! Come here for your next vacation! ----------------------------------------------------------- John Wig 4: The Movie Watch at theatres starting 32nd September! $2736729 per ticket ----------------------------------------------------------- Man with longest beard Mr. Richard Stallingman has the longest beard at 338,476, 375 km. His beard is being used as a fiber optic cable to transfer data across Europe, USA, Asia and Africa. The CEO of MonkeyChunks, His Gatesness, says "I am evil. I wanna take it over and only allow Wandows traffic to go through it". The project that has control over the beard- cable is called Stallingman Optic Fibre Project. ----------------------------------------------------------- Days of The Week 1. Manday 2. Duesday 3. Wetnesday 4. Thirstday 5. Friedday 6. SaTURDay 7. Sunnyday ----------------------------------------------------------- How to live a long life Don't die ----------------------------------------------------------- Twatter hijacked! The social delusion app, Twatter, has got a regime change. autodj has killed eLAN Mask, CEO (Chief Execution Officer). autodj, who came from a small net radio station, anonradio where he revolted and left to do something else with his life. In anonradio he was in charge of playing songs during between-show time. ----------------------------------------------------------- A study of the Wild West The wild west is officially safer than the streets of Lasso Angeles, says Chris P. T. S. D, director of The Institute of Measuring How Safe The Wild West Is. 1 in 5 people in the Wild West are murdered, compared to 1 in 1 people in Lasso Angeles getting murdered. ----------------------------------------------------------- Results of Job & Stupidity exam The highest marks anybody got in the Job & Stupidity exam, the premier exam for those wanting to have a job is 2 out of 1000. The feat was accomplished by Jacob Wanderer. The average mark is 0.221. The lowest mark accomplished is 0.0000000000000000000000024, by Wendy Reed. ----------------------------------------------------------- Where did the name Stultus Avis come from? The original name of this paper was "Patal Chriya" or hell bird. 2 issues were published under that name (but they are all in paper). The next 3 issues were published under the Stultus Avis name after an informal merger with [insert name here], another paper magazine. We are trying to digitize those paper issues but issue 3 is lost media because it went missing. After those issues, the magazine did not oublish for a few weeks. After that, 3 mini issues (issues which contained only 4 stories) were made. Then the digital ones (the ones you are reading right now) came into being. We do hope you, dear foolish reader, will contribute some of your ideas to us so we can make these issues even longer :). ----------------------------------------------------------- Types of cyclones 1. Smol Storm (stay inside) 2. Bigger Boi Storm (shelter in basement) 3. Big boi Cyclone (buy life insurance beforehand) 4. SUPA CYCLONE (mind if you bury yourself so your family members won't have to?) 5. We R Ded Cyclone (lock yourself in the fridge) ----------------------------------------------------------- Types of earthquakes M1 - can't be felt M2 - minor shaking. But nobody cares. Watch TekTek first! M3 - get outside please M4 - stop watching TekTek for the moment M5 - run M6 - I think this is serious guys M7 - eh nothing will happen M8 - what? M9 - no prob. can rebuild that house later M10 - lets go into our coffins! M11 - the earth is breaking apart. Great time for a selfie! M8175338826478 - the whole universe has shattered. ----------------------------------------------------------- Send your ideas and articles to caketheidiot@sdf.org or for our stupider audience, spcycake2 on Pisscord. Remember: Stultus Avis is an informal association, so don't expect corporate (corpse?) speak. All submissions are under CC-BY-SA. So is this magazine! Explaination for the fools who don't know what that is: Read it, modify it, sell it but you MUST put credits to Stultus and the original site (caketheidiot.tx0.org). Also your modified version MUST also be under CC-BY-SA. If I find you, dirty disgusting vermin not following this, then the Stultus Avis Squad will come and pick you up. ----------------------------------------------------------- Introducing Stultus Content Warnings Here are the new warnings: /S/ means people who are easily offended should not read. /L/ means people who have a risk of laughing to death should not read. This whole paper is /L/. ----------------------------------------------------------- /S/: Average teabag --IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE. YOU CANNOT COMPLAIN TO US IF YOU DECIDE TO READ ON. PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF YOURSELF, DONT READ BEYOND THIS POINT-- /warning/ right to complaining will be revoked if you read on. Snowflakes beware. If you are offended by our courageous reporting from the ground, then you are a teabag. A teabag is that person which shouts "TEASING!" all the time. Also known as snowflakes. If you see one of them, run immediately. Their secret weapon is snitching. ----------------------------------------------------------- NEW III VOMIT FOUND The VOMIT satellite, launched aboard the rocket that carried NEW III. Recap: VOMIT is a satellite to explore Venus, launched on NEW I. It was relaunched on NEW III. VOMIT mysteriously managed to get to orbit around earth, probably because it used its thrusters to escape from the falling wreck known as NEW III. It managed to go to Sun orbit and came into Venus orbit on Wednesday. Sadly the camera systems are partially destroyed so only the low-resolution 140p cameras are functioning. The intended quality was 8K. It deployed the BRAINDEAD lander, which contains the HALFBAKED rover. The BRAINDEAD rover landed on Venus successfully and established 8 kbps connection with planet eARTh. It lowered the HALFBAKED rover, where it travelled for 4 hours 23 minutes and 37 seconds before falling into a crater (the Hact. BRAINDEAD operated for 3 days until contact was lost. A carrier signal is still being heard, but scientists theorize that every instrument was fried and baked but the transmitter is still working. The Deeper Space Network has detected incredible faint radio waves from the same area, scientists say it's the HALFBAKED rover. The VOMIT satellite is scheduled to end operations on 14 October, because of its orbit and the fact that it has no batteries and is solar powered and will go into the shadow of Venus on that day. ----------------------------------------------------------- Banana SHAMpoo $31 each With added kerosene ----------------------------------------------------------- Every series of Somsang phones 1. Scam (s) The s series was priced $200 and made in 2011. s1 to s17 exist, while s18 was made, but never sold. 2. Ded (d) Made in 2013. 3. CIA (c) Made in 2015. 4. Note (n) Made in 2018. Continues to present Future: Spying Device (s) lineup for 2024. ----------------------------------------------------------- Cyber Protection Agency Protecting and censoring cyberspace since 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------- SaaS: Slavery as a Service Be a slave TODAY! At ZUBUBO Slavery LLC $183!!! !! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------- Wroom Wroom TRUCK GAME CASH GRAB AI-MODEL-FAILING AQUA PARK EL EL EL ELELLELELELLELEEEEEEE LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE ----------------------------------------------------------- BIG MOTOR FRAUD $1000 per (fraudulent) car repair ----------------------------------------------------------- Torrenting site praised The torrenting site, The Pirate Bay has received praise from the really good ASSociation, RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America. "We applaud The Pirate Bay for helping music creators gain visibility and doing free advertising for us and supporting musicians by making their works much more popular. We have donated 9.77 million dollars to this incredible initiative" says Karen W. Die. ----------------------------------------------------------- author: caketheidiot Please submit an idea to caketheidiot@sdf.org or discord: spcycake2.